A letter to ANDREW

It has been an hour past the same hour yesterday. I was relieved that the phone didn’t ring. If only turning the clocks back was as simple as that stupid piece I wrote the other day and thought that is was funny.

I always thought that there was nothing that love could not touch, I thought that this continuous jet of love that I felt for you was alive in your heart.

But, if I think that you are well and at peace, that you are not afraid, that you are not sorry for what you did, then I can hang in there until my own time comes.

What haunts me is trying to understand how you felt, was it really thought through? And what if you wanted to change your mind but it was too late?  Oh baby, you know I would have caught you, like the midwife caught you when you were born in such a hurry.  I had faith and hopes for you.  But  don’t want to fret over us now, we don’t want you to feel bad, mummy and daddy want you to be well, rest, we can sort it all out in time. And we re looking after your sister and brother. Oh Andrew if you saw how many people have come to the house and all the messages they’ve left for you, Will got on a plane from Texas as soon as he heard. You’d probably be shocked. And the house is full, Nancy brought 2 roast chickens and I was thinking that I SHOULD LEAVE ONE IN THE freezer for you, but then…

Anyway, don’t worry, I’ll keep writing I won’t just leave you there by yourself.

Ciao Tigger, call you later ok?

8 thoughts on “A letter to ANDREW

  1. My Darling Friend: Andrew is with God and the Angels now, he is not suffering anymore if he was here in earth, He is in peace now if he wasn’t before. God only knows what this happen, give yourself time to understand. My love and prayers are with you and the family. Mahehshi

  2. My friend,

    I have searched all day for the right things to say or do for you, and there isn’t anything. I am crying with you, knowing that if my pain about Andrew seems intolerable to me, what must yours be like for you? I do want to say that I am sick with worry, based on your posts in this blog, that you will mistakenly believe you brought this agony upon yourself. You did not. I do not believe that your husband can control all of Manhattan traffic with his thoughts. He can only control his own thoughts. I do not believe that your thoughts created or permitted this tragedy. Please be gentle with yourself. It was Andrew’s time – I don’t believe we can know why. We can hope, even strive to truly believe, that his leaving this world when he did is part of some good overarching plan which we, on this plane of existence, are incapable of perceiving, but which is unfolding as it should and must, and that perhaps we may be permitted to understand it after this life, and come to accept the mystery of it in this one. Again, please, please be gentle with yourself. My arms are around you. I am praying to be permitted to carry some part of your burden. I am trying to open my heart to the possibility that, despite how I feel at this moment, all is well, and that Andrew and all of you are safe in the Great Unknowable Mysterious Unfolding of the Universe.

    I am not trying to be controversial, or to ignite a philosophical debate about causation and the power of thought. I only believe that there are many forces at work in the universe, most of which are probably beyond the human mind to even understand, and that being kind and patient with yourself might include considering that your thoughts are not the only power at play in the grand and terrible swirl of events that occur here on Earth.

    With love and concern, and with the most sincere hope that peace and acceptance come to you with merciful speed,


  3. My dearest friend,

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your loving family during this most difficult time.

    One must be puzzled and wonders why? Why Andrew? Not one person can provide an answer to the many thoughts, reasons or even questions that are filtering through your mind, heart and soul as to why such a tragedy as this could have occured. I am certain that your darling Andrew did not want to hurt his beloved mummy, daddy, his sister and his brother, he may have been searching for peace within.

    I pray that Andrew is at peace and in a beautiful existence, where one day we all may be together again.

    May peace be with you.

  4. The e-mails from Ellen and Evelyn are quite beautiful and loving. Ellen’s appreciation of the possible bitter irony associated with the philosophy espoused on this site and her related comments are especially generous.

    But press accounts of this tragedy indicate that Andrew left behind a suicide note. So comments to the effect that nobody can know what drove such a fine young man to take his own life may not be true. There is certainly no obligation to disclose the contents of his note, but perhaps such disclosure would have the potential to prompt worthwhile reflection and understanding that might help other parents to see danger signals early enough to prevent a similar tragedy.

    I believe that each of us “creates” our life only in the sense that we control how we react to events in our lives. We also are responsible for many of the realities in our lives, but certainly not all of them. I can see how the philosophy of this site (to the extent I understand it) could pose a terrible burden of guilt on a sensitive young man not entirely happy with one or more important aspects of his life. I would like to know your thoughts on this.

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