Surprise me Andrew, run up from behind and surprise me please



Andrew Edward Kirkley Williamson-Noble aka Tigger

Andrew Edward Kirkley Williamson-Noble aka Tigger



I think that today is Friday because the garbage cans are outside at the bottom of people’s drive. That’s how I guess the day, the garbage collection is also on Tuesdays, but I know that it is not Tuesday, not if it is still this week.  For on Tuesday of this week my son killed himself. So today it is the 4th day after, and the only thing we are moving closer to, is his funeral.

But I wonder… Yes I wonder you see…

“mummy I just found out that someone is organizing a vigil at the library this evening at 8 o’clock,” my beautiful heartbroken daughter told me.

“I’m going,” I said immediately.

I had wanted to go and see this place, try what I could to catch anything of Andrew that might have been left behind.  A thought, a prayer, a stray hair, a tear on the floor or moment of fear.  If thoughts are the beginning of new creations, perhaps I could catch them if they were still floating, swirling in Bobst heights.

I think that NYU should have a trapeze net perhaps.

As it turned out, the impromptu memorial was moved to the Washington square instead.

I was so looking forward to it. Yes, yes, we are going.. I kept singing inside.

We had met in the square outside the law school at the beginning of September after a reception with John Sexton I’d gone to, with a friend and fellow NYU parent.  Afterwards Andrew and her son met us in the square.  Andrew got there first, he bounded up to me, we hugged and looked around for his friend.

Writing this I feel the fullness of his life, the clean-just-washed smell of his hair, the warmth of his arms as we hugged, him patting me playfully on the end. He was 6ft tall and 5 and change, but I always maintained that I was still taller than him.

All that I remembered, as I eagerly made my way with my family and friends to Washington square gardens last night.  I was impatient to get out of the car when we got there.

“Look, they are already there,” my daughter said, pointing to the group in the square.  I dashed ahead with flowers in my arms, the rest of us were carrying food to give out.  Young people were waiting in line to give their flowers, being Italian I went ahead and cut the line.  I am not sure what I was expecting.  Obviously I am not delusional, but the I-want-a-miracle-mother within thought that maybe Andrew would be there.

But there were candles and lovely flowers on was a… wire fence.

Confused and lost, I held the flowers and scanned the crowd for a moment, I looked around the square, but my tigger was nowhere to be seen. I gave the flowers to my children and made my way to the library…


The following is a comment I found on the Internet about Andrew.

I don’t know your name or who you are, but I want to thank you for having known my son and for taking the trouble of speaking up for him, I truly appreciate it.

Thank you and God bless.


Andrew’s mother,

Esmeralda Williamson-Noble




12:37:03 AM
Nov 4, 2009

So many of these comments astound me. If any of you had personally known this young man, as I did, you would know that those he met felt lucky to have this intelligent, cultured, responsible and sophisticated (as well as sensitive and entertaining) person in their life. While I agree that your points do have validity for many kids our age, you are judging something you know nothing about. It’s insulting to his memory, and to those who knew him for the incredible person he was.



9 thoughts on “Surprise me Andrew, run up from behind and surprise me please

  1. Andrew was a wonderful and amazing boy…..I vividly remember his sweet smile, bright mind, and gentle nature. The world is less without him in it.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I send you prayers. I send Andrew prayers and blessings for his healing on his new journey. Although I never met Andrew and we don’t know each other, I can understand, somewhat, your pain. My father committed suicide over 15 years ago. It was the most devastating, heart-breaking thing I have ever gone through. I imagine losing a child would be even more painful. My father’s second wife/widow and the few people at the out-of-state memorial service they hastily threw together pretended that he died from a heart attack…weird and twisted. I didn’t attend. When the ashes were sent to us in Seattle, we planned a beautiful service in the chapel of the church my father used to attend. We asked the Reverend who knew my father to lead the service and speak about suicide in her sermon. She said “We cannot know why George took his own life. We cannot judge him, the church does not judge him and God does not judge him. Perhaps he was in such a dark place that the only light he saw was the light back to God.” Many blessings to you ~ Lisa

  3. Hi Esmeralda.
    I don’t know if you can see who this is writing, but this is Sarah, Anita Ashworth-Anssems’ daughter. I wanted to say that since I first heard of what had happened to Andrew I have been in shock. I searched all over the internet to try to find out what happened. Below each article, there are only comments of strength for both you, your entire family and Andrew. No matter what his physical body has been through, I do not believe that a human mind can merely be shut off. I do not believe in God. That I have to admit. But despite it being so, I do believe that his mind continues to live on. I do not believe in a heaven or hell, but I think that he has to spend a period of time travelling; understanding his new environment until he can be united with those he has lost in the past and try to communicate with those whom he has left behind. It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion.

    Whilst I was in boarding school when I was 9, I left a paper and a pencil stuck onto my bed with a note to Opa asking him to make any mark just to prove that he is still around. There was no response from him. I stopped believing in God, I gave up on the supernatural, and my mind was set around maths and science – what I believed to be the only real truth there is. Eventually, one is confronted with their true beliefs. Mum confused me with this man Gerrit in South Africa who is apparently speaking to Opa. I didn’t know what to think. I asked for Gerrit to ask Opa specific questions of which only Opa could know about. He gave answers to each one. He even described the notebook which was above my bed so many years ago. I had told no one of it. I never left any description. All I can say from this is that Andrew will come through to you. Whether it takes 1 year or 10, he will come through. I don’t want to sound like some sort of loony fanatic about minds which continue to wander, but I don’t know how to explain anything else of what I had experienced with Opa. I hope that you can understand it.

    I didn’t want to write too much. I had no idea what to say to the woman I had wanted to see since I can remember and having had little to no contact. I have been looking for the flowery dress you had given me whilst I was living in Bangladesh. I loved it. I don’t know if you had also given me the sunflower bag, but I didn’t use any other bag. I hope to see you soon Esmeralda. I hope that I can give you, Hugh, Florentina and Robert any strength that I can.

    With love,
    Sarah xxx

  4. Dearest Sarah, my sweet God daughter. How time flies, days, weeks, months years; then one day time has gone. I look forward to seeing you, your mummy told me that you are both coming to see us. I am sorry that you won’t get to meet Andrew, for I am sure that you would have liked each other.
    I do believe in life after life. i do know that Andrew, my courageous Knight is wherever the best world is. Whatever is the top option, that’s what he’s got. It’s us, we are the ones in the lesser place. Still, even here we are blessed every day by many things that bring a smile to our hearts, and you and your mother sweet Sarah, are one (or I should say two) of them. Hugs and kisses,

  5. Dear Esmeralda,
    Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your son Andrew .I had’nt heard just got to know of it today January 17th .Andrew worked for us at the restaurant in Irvington for a few months and i feel shocked and sad to hear this news it just makes me feel as i lost a son too.
    please let us know if we can do anything as we did care for Andrew dearly and loved seeing him at the restaurant this past summer.

    • Dear Anu, thank you for your message. Andrew did enjoy working there and LOVED the food, you were generous with the food to the staff, and he also worked hard.
      It is a huge loss and I don’t how we’ll ever get over it. God Bless,
      Andrew’s Mummy

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