Fallen Knight

Fallen Knight

Fallen Knight

In vain Daddy was up last night with Uncle John around about the time when you may have been wandering the streets last week.
Casting his thoughts this way and that like a net, pacing in all directions, he sought to “intercept” you. Even in a city that never sleeps there can’t be too many people making their way to the library at NYU.
You see Andrew, last night, this morning hadn’t come. The phone hadn’t rung, you were alive; you were our son we could still hug.
In my disjointed sleep last night, I fought and lashed out.
Dearest child, did I forget to tell you that there isn’t a man, woman or child in this world who hasn’t wanted to die?
I held your child’s hand to steady your first steps, to keep you safe while crossing the street. Daddy helped you graduate from sitting on a potty to “pointing Percy at the porcelain.” He taught you how to shave and how to drive. Did we leave out the dangers of the mind?
What battle you fought we shall never know, what dragon or demon you faced, you took down with you.
But not our love. No, my child; not our love. Love never dies, and love does not judge.
I long for you to be alive in your body, and here with us.
A thousands tears and the scream of ages throb in all my cells; but I do not judge you my darling Tigger, I only love you.
Love allows love to be. The Fountain of All Love never stops flowing for you, or for me.
It was a hope, it was a dream, it was worth a try; but it is now past the hour when you gave your life to slay your dragon.
I love you and stand with you; my Fallen Knight, my Warrior Son

Mamma

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26 thoughts on “Fallen Knight

  1. Dear E, H, F, A, and R,

    We are sending our love and prayers to you every day; first thing each morning, last thing each night, and many, many times in between. So many of us are holding you all gently in our hearts. E, thank you for writing and sharing your beautiful, moving thoughts each day – they are the first things I read when I wake up.

    Radhe, Ellen

    • I am frustrated that I cannot upload a beautiful image I found. All I keep getting is gobbledigook Damn.
      I am certain that it is love and prayers that have allowed us to keep breathing, thank you

  2. I know we’ve never met, but you and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey through the valley with us. In reading your posts and the comments people have been leaving for you (the nice ones, anyway), I am comforted to see that you have so much love and support to help you through all of this. Ignore the rude and ignorant comments left by those who really have no clue what your son was like, or why he did what he did. Things like that are best left for the winds of kindness to blow away, never to return. Peace for your days.

  3. Esmeralda,

    This is absolutely beautiful and could have only been written by Andrew’s mother. Thinking of you and I can’t believe it has been a whole week. I miss and love you all.

    Laura

  4. I think about your son everyday as I walk the campus that once was his as well. My heart is seized by this. You, Andrew, and your family are all in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you much love.

  5. dear esmeralda,

    I can not
    feel how you feel,
    but I know the outskirts of this

    I can not
    know how you feel,
    but I am there,
    I breathe with you and for you
    when you think you can’t.

    I can not
    feel how you feel,
    but I know pain
    and I am sitting with you,
    thinking of you

    even in the midst of stillness
    there is hope.

    with all my love,
    andres

      • I do not officially know you, nor did I meet andrew personally. I am simply a grad student who was deeply touched by andrew’s decision due to prior experiences with thoughts about the non-graspable nature of ending one’s own life — personally, and within my personal life.

        much love.

      • Dear Arielle, please do keep in touch. Also, if you feel up to it, and if you like writing; write a piece, expound on the above, let us help ourselves and others understand and overcome.
        I call this the beginning of hope. Andrew’s mummy

  6. Dearest Esmeralda,

    Thank you for sharing with such poetic beauty and tenderness your most sensitive, artistic soul and your profound love for your angelic, wonderful son.

    As you know, some most evolved, delicate souls need to reunite with the Infinite and the Divine early in life. As St. John of the Cross would say in his poetry: “I am dying because I’m not dying…” Such was his ardent desire to transcend this world…(See ‘La Noche Oscura del Alma” and “The Spiritual Canticle”).

    Our heartfelt prayers and deepest reverence are with you and your family.

    With much love, respect and genuine friendship,

    Carmen Gloria & family

    • It’s true, and I find comfort knowing and sensing that he IS with the infinite, but the pain of my mortal mind and heart…..
      thank you for recognizing Andrew’ true stature.
      Andrew’s mummy

  7. This is so lovely Es – unconditional love which Andrew justly deserves. You are all in my thoughts and prayers at the moment. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. When you are ready to talk you know where I am. All my love Bradders xxx

  8. Dear Esmeralda,

    Would you like to go for a walk in the park? We do not have to talk, we could just walk if you like. I could pick you up at 1:30?

    Love,
    Christine Brennan

  9. I, too, am an NYU student who did not know Andrew personally. I wish I did. He sounds like a wonderful young man.

    I used to attend school at SUNY Purchase and live in Putnam county, both of which are not far from where you live. I experienced a lot of the same hurt that I believe Andrew did during his short time here. I was even hospitalized for a week because of it. I transferred to NYU because it was my “dream school” but am still haunted by my old thoughts all the time.

    I just want you to know that I think of your son and your family each and every waking moment. When I found out, my heart sunk because I’ve had those same thoughts and grappled with those same things. You think nobody understands what you’re going through.

    If I could have known Andrew, I would have offered him a hug and all the support in the world. I keep you all in my prayers now. God bless.

    • Dear Arielle, thank you for your email. Andrew was indeed a WONDERFUL young man, and I too wish that you had known him. Please remember to reach out if you don’t feel well, my email is on the blog. Love and hugs sweetheart, from Andrew’s mummy – Esmeralda

  10. Dear All,
    thank you for sharing so much of your Andrew with us in these days.
    I admire you so much. With your words and pictures, one day after the other, you give everybody the chance to know and love your boy and brother more and more.
    And I think that this will help.

    Un Bacio
    Cugina Maria

  11. Dear Esmeralda,
    Still powerful post. Are you still in touch with Andres and Arielle?
    Looking up from here. Much more speaking out, parents forming action groups. Media reporting more open etc. Slow progress. But what about the ‘indignatos’ in Europe? Youth will find their answers if we don’t stop them.
    Dave

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