Prayer for help

Prayer for help

Prayer for help

It is hard to think. It is hard to breathe, It is hard to know what to do with oneself. Something around my heart must be thawing. The thought of the world outside feels heavy. But even within I find no refuge. Thinking up words, infusing them with meaning and feelings brings me no comfort this gray morning. My heart is like the soggy ground outside, it gives when you step on it. Oh Andrew, my sweet Andrew where will I find you today?
Oh Lord have Mercy. Oh my own self, please stop and reach for a better feeling thought, and then another.
Andrew has gone only from sight. When I am quiet and open and loving, I feel his gentle soul’s love and compassion envelope me like an empowering hug.
But the darkness of this unholy pain threatens me with every breath, and I have to admit that I am tired and afraid. If I smoked, this is when I would like a cigarette.
How many others are out there cowering in the glare of their pain? I am not the only one I know, my prayer is for all of us. Oh Lord in Heaven, this child of yours is lost, please lift her up.


14 thoughts on “Prayer for help

  1. I’m breathing with you. in—out—in—out.

    with you,

    all my good thoughts to you on this grey day. mindfulness is flowing to you from manhattan.

  2. I wish there were words to sooth your pain, but there are none that can do so. I give you my heart, my prayers, my thoughts, and my love for whatever that is worth…

  3. Hello. My son Teddy (Theodore) died of impulsive suicide at the age of 17 this past February 18, as a high school junior. Today is Teddy’s birthday. Today is also the date of my father’s death. Teddy would have been 18. The pain over these past nine months is truly unspeakable. There are no words that can convey my feelings. If it helps to talk, I would absolutely be willing both to talk about my feelings and to listen. So if/when you are ready, we are here to support you at a time like no other … in a club with few members, thank goodness. My heart breaks for you, your family, Andrew’s friends, and for all of us who must learn somehow to cope and live and move forward and keep going. For me, most importantly, it is my amazing 13 year old son who helps me to keep going. And the memories of my amazing Teddy. I cry because I miss him so deeply, and I cry, too, for all the amazing things our family and the world will miss that our brilliant, handsome, passionate and graceful Teddy might have become and done.

  4. We are all angels with one wing, we need each other in order to fly. Warm thoughts & prayers are coming your way to lift you up today.

  5. So many of us are with you in our hearts and in our thoughts, each day — many, many times a day. You have thousands of people checking this site – some of us multiple times a day – to make sure that, despite the unimaginable storm you are in, you are somehow managing to keep your head above water. I am relieved each time I see a new post from you, a new reply to a comment. It lets me know that you are still with us; I am comforted to know that, despite your pain, you have not been swept beyond the reach of words and prayers. Stay with us; we are here. Om Nama Shivaya.

  6. My son is a friend of Andrew’s from High School. He was home from college and went to Andrew’s funeral. I walked with him to the church that afternoon. It was an achingly beautiful autumn day… the kind of day that makes me cry in disbelief that my dear sister could have chosen to leave the wonder of this world behind four years ago.
    Though I cannot begin to imagine the enormity of the pain of losing a child, I do understand the pain that losing a loved one to suicide brings.

    The grey days are the hardest…

    Today it is gorgeous again. Nature is a healer… try to get outside, walk, maybe dig in the soil, and just keep breathing….

    -you are not alone.

    • I’ll try, but right now even getting out of bed is becoming difficult. Oh dear Lord, if only one could turn the clocks black…

  7. Although I do not know you or your family your son’s death has touched many lives. I have a son who is 21 and is at NYU but did not know Andrew. My prayers for your son, a handsome young talented person . . why did he have to go so soon! You have a nice family who have travelled to far away lands like mine. May you have the courage and strength to keep the beautiful memories your family has shared together. May the Lord grant you the energy to carry this cross . . . but it won’t be for long, you and your family will heal from this tragic loss. God Bless your family.

    • Dear Cheryl, thank you for writing. Thank you for your soothing words. I pray for peace for all. Right now I am engulfed by pain and It is becoming hard to function.
      I want my beautiful son back. Prayers help, please pray for us.
      Andrew’s mummy

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