Random Thoughts

I have been leafing through a few suicide survivors “guide” books and I haven’t found any of them particularly helpful.
In one of them, published by SAVE -suicide awareness voices of education – the writer, Adina Wrobleski, who’s daughter died by suicide, says: “remember, the worst has happened, hold on to that thought.”
My own thoughts are confused, they jump from here to there and everywhere.
I long for the day when I, and the rest of my family will think less of Andrew’s death and more about life. At the same time I know that only time can bring this about but with the passage of time, the days when Andrew was with us will move further and further into the past. Strange how the mind works isn’t?
But for today, I am glad that another night is over and it is day time again.
And thank you for al the encouragement I have received.


4 thoughts on “Random Thoughts

  1. I’m afraid I find lots of advice of little use because its usually about “how to get over it” even if that’s just reducing the pain. I think the point is not “to get over it” but rather stop thinking about my self and think about my son’s self. My son Bruno couldnt see any way out of his pain. Intelligent, sensitive and very caring. If he was like that there is hope. We can nurture these qualities by reaching out to all the young people who are living in pain in our society and help them help themselves to remove the cause. That way we think more about our sons, and daughters, because we think about how they might, had they the chance, have lived to fight what drove them to kill themselves. We could start by stopping a war which makes more young people kill themselves than get killed in combat.

    • I would like us in the West to learn a bit from the East. I think that yoga should be part of the curriculum from nursery onwards and meditation too.
      I suppose I am not very mainstream, but there you have it, that’s me.

  2. I didn’t want to “get over it”… I wanted to get out of the pain but I did not want to get over losing my son.

    I have been thinking a lot about the first year…

    for one, I was not convinced he was gone. this makes no sense, but its how I felt. it was as though he was in some sort of holding pattern and I spent a great deal of mental energy trying to figure out how to get him back. I was certain I could do it.

    I stopped drinking. Eating was hard enough.
    I stopped wearing my contacts. I didn’t want to focus on anything other than my son. If I did venture outside I became angry at people who were enjoying life.

    I was in the middle of a shipping project I had started with a friend of mine when Kerry passed. We had to package and ship 10,000 boxes of “rainbow gold fish” – each one to a separate location. We set up a makeshift assembly line in the garage behind Kerry’s apartment. I was in charge of placing rainbow colored raffia into a 6 x 10 box.
    -reach with left, grab box
    – reach with right, grab raffia, fill box
    – pass box on
    I had to repeat the words over and over again to complete the task.

    I was also in the middle of making elaborate, hand beaded wine glass charms. This turned out to be amazingly therapeutic. I only needed to focus on 2mm beads and a thin wire. I would roll the bead in my fingers, feel the tip of the wire, and glide it through… focusing on something small helped make the real, big, world more tolerable.

    I also joined a support group, which turned out to be me and one other mom. We would spend 1 1/2 together in the group and then go out for a 3 hour dinner. we’d sit in the corner and cry….

    My point is…you will find your way. please know that you sharing your pain is healing not just to you, but to me. I am so grateful for our connection.

    Much love to you, your family and especially Andrew.

    • And I am grateful to you for giving me hope. And by the way, I too don’t really believe that my son is dead, in any case he isn’t, he’s only gone from sight.
      Hugs, Esmeralda

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