After brunch yesterday, my daughter and my younger son went to see the 3D version of Avatar; my husband and I joined what Andrew used to call my Ammassociates, my Amma friends.
One of Amma’s Swami had just returned from Haiti and, on his way to India, he stopped in New York to give a first hand account of the situation there. Amma’s organization, which has UN consultative status, had already been sending medicines from the Californian Ashram, now it will be sending volunteers and more supplies.
The gathering afforded us a blissful opportunity for quiet meditation, and it ended with a prayer for Peace for all Beings.
When we left, both Hugh and I felt a bit lighter in our hearts. On our way to rejoin the children we stopped at Pommes Frites, the place that I believe my son went to at 1:30 on the night he died. We bought a medium-sized portion with the Mango chutney mayo dip. Hugh and I sat in the car while we ate them. Andrew was right to like those chips, they were really good.
When we finished eating, the car smelling of chips, we drove to Florentina’s apartment.
“How did you like the movie?” we asked.
“It’s a lovely movie, and with such a beautiful message,” said Florentina.
“And what about you Robert, did you enjoy seeing it a second time?”
“Yes, and in 3D it is so much better.”
We chatted for a while, and as we always end up doing, we talked about Andrew. It became clear that we all feel a sense of unreality about his death. The truth is, we haven’t accepted it, we cannot believe that he is actually dead.
For me, he is alive. When I think of him (which is always) I think that he is alive, I feel that he is alive. But I can’t see him, hug him, talk to him, cook for him. It is a conflict between the heart and the intellect; the first knows, the second, lacking extra-sensory perception, needs to see and because it can’t see, it wages a raging war.
Maybe that is what grieving is about.
Whatever it is, it is real, and constant.
As for Andrew, I only have love for him, and the unbearable longing to put my arms around him and tell him that all is well.