Three Months Have Passed

The atrium of NYU'S Bobst library where Andrew died


Yesterday, February 3rd, marked the third month since Andrew died.
Unreal though it seems, day after day, three months have passed. Thanksgiving came and went, Christmas came and went. The year 2009 gave way to a new year at the stroke of midnight, on the last day of December.
The more time passes, the harder it is to imagine that Andrew is away at college.
Like earthquake survivors that in the first few days after a quake have high hopes of finding their loved ones alive. Then, as time wears on, when no hope is left of finding any more survivors, still they cling to hope.
After all, hasn’t everyone heard stories of the child, the man or the woman who was found after eleven days, twelve days… why not their loved one? Why not my Andrew?
Why couldn’t this be a bad dream? That’s what it seems like anyway. From the moment we were woken up with the news that Andrew had been found dead in the Library at NYU, we entered a nightmare.
The phone calls, the screams… ANDREW IS DEAD, ANDREW IS DEAD, the rush to St. Vincent’s hospital.
My Andrew, as handsome as ever, lying on a bed sleeping; but dead.
His hair , spread around his head, soft and lustrous,smelling of his favorite shampoo.
But my cries, my wailing, my howling, my talking, my kisses; NOTHING stirred him from his slumber. 

But he is alive in my heart. That is where I must learn to look for him.
But, Andrew… it’s not easy. We all miss you SO MUCH.


10 thoughts on “Three Months Have Passed

  1. I cannot imagine what you have to endure each day, and I wish that you did not have to go through this.

    You are a courageous woman and you love your children and husband very much…

    I have never personally been to Bobst’s library, only to Columbia’s Butler, but your picture of it and others I have seen are chilling; it is NOT a friendly looking place, and is a far cry from the comforting old wood and “old skool” dusty stacks at Columbia’s Butler library…

  2. I just want to let you know that we are keeping you and your family in our prayers. I still walk back to the tracks where Kenny died and it is a chilling experience. Why do so many die so young with so much to live for? You are doing an excellent job of getting the word out and remembering Andrew. God Bless!

      • Yes, it is excellent and well thought out. Kenny was diagnosed just over three years before he died. At the time he was a star swimmer and freshman in high school. The older kids looked up to him for his hard work ethic, funny personality and intelligence. We tried pretty much every medication there is as well as the holistic methods. We had a number of doctors literally give up. We tried many times to get him back to swimming, but for various reasons it just didn’t work out. I believe this would have been a big help. I also tried several times to get him interested in yoga, but he didn’t want to do it. I truly believe there must have been a solution for Kenny. I think we just ran out of time. He was in so much pain, he would actually give out moans of anguish while cuddling with his girl friend on the couch. I wish we could have found his solution. I also believe that many of those suffering CAN be helped if they just had the proper guidance and support. I also believe it is time for society to recognize mental pain as real and remove the stigma of suicide. Just the last few days we lost 3 more people on the tracks in NJ. One was a parent of children in our school district and another a student at Rutgers. The shocking part, as you know, is that people in positions of influence often really don’t get it. That MUST change. The battle is going to be long and hard, but I think we will win in the end. 🙂

      • I am very sorry to hear of the recent losses you mention. Oh Lord!
        Come on then, lets spread the word the best way we can. The more people comment on the HP the better, it’ll attract notice.
        Take care Kurtis, hugs

  3. One day you wake up and realize:
    Your cellphone have a whole lot of useless applications,
    The cablebox has 1000 channels, but nothing interesting is on,
    The fancy cars and clothes don’t make you a better person.
    Most of us were born and breed to covet these things.
    Maybe Andrew was not, he saw the future of our society, our endless pursuit of frivolous consumption, with a lack of regard for who makes it, what it pollutes, what poisons lie in wait within it or the machine that controls it.
    He struggled with his foresight, he looked for others like him, traveled on streets full of people, but not a single one makes eye contact. They’re all slaves to that machine.
    But at such a young age, he saw how spiritually bankrupt our society has become. Unable to fight the machine, he chose another path. He will be missed, but his spirit will carry the rest of us on, to find others like him – to reengage our souls and spirituality, to make humanity a decent word again.

    • Did you know Andrew? It sounds as if you did. Andrew was a profound thinker, an amazing sensitive, loving, generous, altruistic soul.
      If you didn’t know him, you would have enjoyed knowing him.
      I love your comment.

  4. I am really sorry for your loss. My brother committed suicide in early November of 2009 also. He suffered from severe depression for decades. He finally ended his fight.

    I completely agree with you about the lack of willingness to talk about suicide. And the ignorance surrounding it. And yes, I am discovering also that it is very prevalent. More so than you would think by the amount of attention it gets.

    As for a remedy. — try everything. Talking about it with others is a great start since it has been such a taboo subject. This is where your openness is so valuable. If it is any comfort to you, I believe you will save lives with your efforts.

    Thank you for being so brave about your son’s death. I really admire your courage. May you receive the courage and comfort you need as you battle the despair that must inevitably come from time to time.

    • I am so sorry to hear of your loss too. As his sister I know how hard it must be for you too, my daughter is having a difficult time. The difference though is that Andrew’s death was a bolt out of the blue. Thank you for your encouraging words. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. You can also help by spreading the link to this blog. I also write for the Huffington Post.
      God bless and may we all find Peace. Hugs, Andrew’s Mummy

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