Watching The Falling Snow

I enjoyed watching the snow yesterday from the vantage point of my bed.
With my gaze fixed on the falling flakes, I slipped into a quiet, peaceful place within. My mind, deprived of my attention, became as quiet as the gently falling snow.
Feeling Andrew, I smiled.

Andrew and Florentina Summer 2009

This morning I got an email from my older brother from Italy which he ended by saying:
“Ci sono tanti modi per sentirsi in vita- There are many ways of being alive,” he says, referring to Andrew and us. He reminds me of a truth I already know.
My teacher, Sri Mata Amritandamayi, more commonly known as Amma; describes death as the period at the end of a sentence. A pause before the beginning of a new sentence. I myself have in the past sought to comfort others, using Amma’s words. And since Andrew’s death, I have told myself time and again that death is nothing but a period at the end of a sentence. And it is because I feel the truth of it, that I am as strong as I am. Or at least that is what people tell me: you are a strong woman, you never give up.
Well it’s true, I don’t give up, but then what is there to give up? Andrew may have gone from sight, but that doesn’t mean that he is no longer my son. His physical death has given me a job to do. As I worked to raise money and awareness when Alexander died of SIDS, I will work to raise awareness of suicide, and I’ll keep plugging away about the universal need for yoga and meditation.
And I have two amazing children and a wonderful husband; they need me, I need them, and we all need each other. My daughter who is only twenty-two, has a master in International NGO Administration, her area of interest is food security and now suicide as well. Robert is only a high school freshman and doesn’t know what he wants to do yet; in the meantime he is a great athlete and it looks like he is going to be a mean fencer.
No, I am not giving up while there is work to do.
In the meantime it looks like another day in bed for me, and Robert has joined the ranks of the sick this morning. He’s just come to my bed and is re-reading Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince.
But let me leave you with a couple more photographs from our canal holiday as well as a beautiful one of grown up Andrew and Florentina.

Florentina, Aunt Nooshk, Robert and Andrew- Canal holiday-July '99

Hugh's mother, Andrew and Hugh - Summer 1999

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2 thoughts on “Watching The Falling Snow

  1. Your story is a truly inspiring and heartbreaking one…the lost of a loved one especially your own child is beyond words…I am a mother of three beautiful children, two boys and a girl. I love my children with all my heart and soul. I am currently working and going to college but since I work full time and raising three children on my own, I can only attend college part time. I am currently facing one of the most toughest circumstances I have ever faced. I am a person that has a lot of faith and trying to achieve my goals to be able to provide a better future for my children. I am contemplating whether to have an abortion or not…I have never believed in abortion and here I am contemplating due to the circumstances…I am sharing this with you because I am reading your touching story about your son and how you lost your son, entirely not by your choice and here I am left with a choice and don’t know where to turn…

    • I am sorry that you are faced with such a touch choice. You are working hard and I wish every success with what you are working to accomplish.
      Listen to your heart you’ll know what to do.
      Love, Esmeralda

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