An Unusual Valentine Card

October 2005 - Happier days- The five of us at Cipriani for the 7th Windflower Ball. The SIDS fundraiser I founded and co-chaired by the children

Dear Andrew,
I have so many questions. And instead of answers, I get more questions.
I had a flash back last night, when Evelyn mentioned that you had a neck brace, and I remembered this white thing around your neck. I remembered the doctor at the hospital telling us:
“Please don’t touch him here, please don’t touch him there.”
We couldn’t touch you anywhere. But did you feel the hundreds of kisses that Daddy gave you on your forehead to warm it up?

Lately I have been telling myself off for not having had the wits to lift the sheet covering your body, and take a good look at you. For that matter I am so annoyed for not even looking at your face properly. But I was terrified that you might look different, that you might really look dead.

I saw the spot from where you jumped. I saw the spot where you landed, and my wicked mind conjures up images of what happened between the jumping and the landing. My soul shudders each time…

“I dreamed of Andrew last night,” Florentina told me the day before yesterday.
“Tell me, tell me,” I am all ears.
“We were walking, he stayed by my side and then he hugged me. I felt the hug.”
“I am so happy for you,’ I said, tears streaming down my face. “You always dream of him, I wish I did too.”
“I write him letters,” my daughter tells me.

And so here I am, writing to you. Dearest Andrew, can you come into my dreams? Can you show me where you live? Can you stay and chat for a bit? Can you give us all a hug? A huge one for Daddy whose heart is completely broken. And your little brother who hurts so much, that he can’t even talk about what he feels.
Please Andrew, we need to see you. We need to know a bit more about where you are and what you are up to.

Gosh, I just remembered! Today is Valentine’s Day, what an unusual “card” to write on such a day.
Let me end here.
Lots of love Darling Andrew, LOTS and LOTS of hugs and kisses,
Your adoring Mummy.

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13 thoughts on “An Unusual Valentine Card

  1. I wish everyone young person considering suicide would read this to understand how much pain they may leave behind. And it seems as if you have no idea what motivated Andrew, which must make the loss more difficult to cope with. Deep sympathy.

  2. My heart is breaking for you right now, Esmeralda. For us, too, and for Clay, Teddy’s little brother. Our first valentine’s day without seeing both my boys laughing and hiding their valentine’s candy so the other won’t get it. [Or, to be honest, so I won’t.] The words of comfort I wish I could offer escape me. Truth is, as you know, there are none. Please have some peace today, I know you are in a home filled with love, grab onto to it. I walk past the spot on the sidewalk where my Teddy died almost a year ago, last Feb. 18, 2009. I feel as if I can’t breathe from the emotions. I shake and shudder and feel as if it was a moment ago, not almost a year ago. But I go there because Clay is in school there and I have to go for that reason. Carla xox

    • Oh Carla… what a sorry lot we are. What sad club we’ve joined! But it looks as if there are so many of us, let us all hold hands together.
      Big hugs dear friends. Esmeralda

  3. It was shared with me, when I was frustrated by my lack of “sight” that this would happen once I feel joy again “I will see him when I feel joy as he is in a joyful space”…It took a good two years before I had him in my dream and sight. I touched him again…magic…it will happen for you. Time my friend, time

    • I think you are right, because the one time I dreamed of him, he said he wouldn’t stay and talk because all I talked about was his suicide. He was stern and very firm, and he didn’t stay. And you know, letting go of the pain is hard too. I want to think of him, I want to remember moments, situations, our life together, and with that comes the sorrow at the realization that he is gone. The thing is, none of us can believe he is gone. It just doesn’t feel real.

      • it won’t seem real for another year…the first is fog, shock and numbnes. The second year, alas is harder…reality, focus, intense, loss and pain, while the rest have moved on in the lightning speed of life you are still at a morbid crawl. I wish it different but the time will come YOUR TIME (no one elses) that rays of joy will show thru and Andrew will be there.

  4. I can’t read your posts without feeling ………. (I was searching for another word, and then realized “feeling” was enough)

    I wish there was a way to give you the answers you so desperately need. I have yet to receive mine and I suspect the reason I haven’t speaks volumes. One day we will see the whole picture – all will be clear. For now, we need to focus on the love. Its what sustains us. I know you understand.

    I did look. I found him and then, I went back to say goodbye. And I looked again when he was resting in his casket. In a suit that I had bought him days before his death. there was blood behind his neck, staining his crisp white shirt. it upset me. it upsets me, still.

    But there was NO life there. and that is not something I wish to see, ever again.

    I did have the “hug” dream and it was real. I too felt it. I will never forget it. But he was in pain. He cried so hard that his body shook. and eventually, I had to let go. I woke feeling terrible that he was in pain… that he ached. and, once again, I felt helpless.

    Your Andrew….he will come. in his own way, he will come.

    • My daughter tells me that when she dreams of him he is peaceful. He cried once when she asked him why he didn’t tell us he was in pain, when she said that, he cried on her shoulder. But she said that what she felt coming from him was a sense of relief, a feeling that whatever pain he might have felt, was finally expended.
      Thank you for sharing your experience.
      Love, Esmeralda

  5. I was swimming in the waves off of a beautiful sandy shore as a girl child, my daughter maybe and Jono was with me as well (my older brother, her older brother) We frollicked in the waves as we had control over the power. When one came that was too big we would just dive under and surface again in laughter taking the power away…I noticed the shore had gotten away from us and it caused me some worry and I expressed to Jono that we should get back…he scoffed at me and said we were ok and that the next wave we would ride. The next wave came and it was huge, burying me ass over tea kettle and I came up sputtering looking for my brother. he was no where to be seen..I yeld his name and found my way back to shore…faceless parents ran towards me in alarm and we launched a search along the shore for my brother..over jetisoned rocks of lava flow and in between oasis of beach we searched yelling his name…we walked into a condo open to the sea and the furniture had been recently buffeted by the power of the ocean beyond, mounds of sand piled between ottoman and couch. I found a straw hat my brother had worn at outings that he coveted in his unique style and renewed my yelling as I knew him to be near…I walked around the corner of the condo and saw the figure of him walking up the beach towards me playing with this crystalized star fish, he was so taken by it that my cries for him went unheard and he looked up at me and smiled…my freckle faced, sunkissed boy of jaunty 13, his hair bleached by the rays of the sun, his smile with teeth so white. His look was of “what? were you looking for me?” I ran my arms outstretched “I found you! I found you”!!! I was rasping and yelling this thru my dream that my husband awoke me thinking it a nightmare.

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