Nature Knows

Snow covered little branches

Another snowy day. Last year I found the long winter depressing, the cold too cold.
This year, yesterday, the day before, today, since Andrew died, I find the cold, the rainy days, the snow storms, soothing.
I don’t often feel like going out, weather like this is perfect for staying at home.
The warmth of the house, my European-imported hot water bottle at my feet, sitting up in bed, I write.
From time to time I look up from the keyboard, amongst the soft falling snow outside my window there must be the words I am looking for.
From time to time I look up from the keyboard, to look at Andrew looking back at me, from any one of the three pictures of him in my room. They are no ordinary pictures, like those of my Guru, Sri Mata Amritandamayi; Amma, they are alive with presence.
The silent sound of falling snow soothes my mind, it buffers it from its own noise.
Covered in velvety white, instead of barren the tree branches outside look like pretty lace.
Nature knows. Its rhythms echo those of my grieving heart. It gives me time to prepare for the colors and singing of spring.
But not yet, not now. Now I stay at home with my hot water bottle, with my laptop and my pictures. With my memories and with my grief.
“Have you seen my Andrew?” I ask the white flakes gently falling down from heaven.


8 thoughts on “Nature Knows

  1. your journey of grief brings back my own at the same point of newness… I was always asking whether someone, something had seen my Jono. Like I was blind and everyone else had sight.

    • Yes. I do feel blind. I know he is out there, indeed, maybe even right next to me, yet I cannot see him or feel him. I know it is because of me and not him.

  2. I talk to the birds…. especially cardinals and blue jays. I’m certain they know all about Kerry…

    The night he died, the lilacs were in bloom. Purple lilac. The smell was sweet and fresh. I loved them, before Kerry died. Its too fresh, too sweet for me now. still

    • I listen to the birds, especially red northern cardinals…so out of place in Hawaii and rarely seen. At different times I’ve learned something from…Java Sparrows, Red-Vented Bulbuls, Mynas, Red-Crested Brazilian Cardinals, and even the lowly hen…Sounds weird, I know, but I do think the Creator of this world uses all his creations to teach us something or to comfort us…

    • I talk to everybody and everything even when I am not speaking.
      Yes, I know what you mean. In my case, I’ve had to change the ringer on my phone.

  3. What do they tell me? The birds themselves haven’t communicated to me 🙂 But many different experiences I’ve had a thought or insight and the common theme is hope and to be open. That the creations around us, created benevolently and purposefully, can be instruments to help me learn something expedient for me to know.

    One day in Dec 2008, less than a month after my son had died & while feeling pretty distraught, I visited a location special to me with a garden. Before leaving 2 myna birds dived from quite a height seemingly doing
    arials and I seemed to sense my son telling my mind he was getting the hang of moving weightlessly & enjoying the speed and mobility. It made
    me smile through my tears, as it still does while writing about it. Cynics can say it was imagination. I know what I experienced.

    Once sitting below a large tropical tree with a broad canopy and full of life–birds, insects, small reptiles, I realized I was sitting below a “world” I never realized existed and it was always there. I just didn’t have eyes to see and understand it. Could it not be the same with my son? He’s in a world, close by but I simply haven’t “seen” it.

    So many more…that have given me comfort, understanding and strength to keep living.

    • Yes, I know and understand what you are saying. The spirit world finds ways to communicate with us, if not directly, then through symbols and other people.
      A college friend of Andrew from when he was at Drexel, called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that she had seen him while she was out,
      “He came around the corner, and I thought: Andrew what are you doing here? Then I remembered that he was dead, and I run toward him but disappeared. Then when I got back to my dorm, I saw that I had an email from you with a picture of Andrew attached, wearing the same clothes and his hair also was exactly the same as when I saw in the street.”
      “How did you feel when you “saw” him,” I asked her. And she said that she felt all warm and soft inside. I knew from the moment she that she had seen him, that it was Andrew, also because I had felt the impulse to email this girl, and then just before I clicked the send button, I had the impulse of attaching a picture of Andrew.
      AND when she told me, I felt warm and soft inside AND VERY tearful.
      Nice to hear from you. I was a bit worried about the Tsunami

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