A View Of Our Garden From Andrew's Window

There is so much snow outside! I don’t know about where you guys are, and what views you have outside your windows, but if you could see through mine, I am sure that even if snow is not your thing, you would still be impressed.
Last night I left all the blinds open, the snow’s luminescence was like light from Heaven.
I am afraid of the dark, and whenever I have to go to the bathroom during the night, I leave it to… well, I leave it  until I can leave it no longer. Andrew’s room is opposite the bathroom, and since his death, I feel uneasy looking into the darkness of his room and I always close his door at night.

But not last night. Last night, with all the doors and blinds open, the whole house was bathed in white light.
After going to the bathroom, I went and looked outside the windows in Andrew’s room. It was a beautiful view, and I was happy to finally be in his room at night.
In the semi darkness I sat on his bed with Bruno, Andrew’s teddy bear since he was one year-old, until he gave him to me, the Christmas he went to college.
“Time to pass on the torch,” he said when out of the wrapping paper came Bruno. My eyes filled with tears at the great honor. Hugh, Florentina and Robert were shocked, Bruno and Andrew had been inseparable. You would never see one without the other. Once he started middle school Andrew no longer took Bruno out with him, but together with the cat, it was Bruno that Andrew went looking for as soon as he got home from school.
“I can’t go to camp,” he once explained to me. “Because I can’t take Bruno with me, and I can’t go without him.”

In the snow’s light, lying on Andrew’s bed, this precious friend, this treasured member of our family, looked back at me with his beloved, knowing, loving eyes. With his soft face against mine, we spoke of times past.
“I have my memories,” Bruno told me. “And I promised my boy Andrew that I would look after you when he gave me to you.”
“But don’t you want to cry?” I asked him. “Don’t you miss him?”
“I have sworn The Teddy Bear’s Oath to: Succour, Assist, Love and Support. When I miss him, I look for him in my memories,” Bruno said turning his face to hide a tear.
“Bruno,” I said hugging him to my heart. “Do you remember the fun we had when we wrote: BRUNO AND THE SEARCH FOR WILLIAM?”
“Oh,” he smiled. “The children loved that story, didn’t they?”
I tucked him into Andrew’s bed and kissed him goodnight.
I didn’t have to ask him if he’d seen Andrew. He always sees him.


9 thoughts on “Snow-Light

  1. Hi,
    I loved your piece. I pray for you and your family.
    I have three childen. Our child attemted suicide three times. We did what we could do with sessions with therapists. She graduated from college, has certificates in Reika and Yoga. Her life is not perfect but she and I are working on a yoga business

    • I am very happy to hear that your daughter is still with you. It confirms by belief that one can be helped away from a dark spot.
      Good luck with your Yoga business venture. Please keep touch and take care. Esmeralda

      • Thank you Esmeralda. I gave your piece to our daughter to read. She was so moved. I believe you gave her even a greater belief in Yoga. You are in our prayers. Your writings are beautiful! Cindy

  2. This is really beautiful. I’m sorry for your loss, I know part of it, as my son has tried a few times and has an illiness.

    Sometimes I wonder if all the suicide notes were published, if the people hurting would see they truly aren’t alone. If it would open doors of the deep down hurts and fears that aren’t approached. It would be so hard for a family to do….but I still wonder.

    • Dear Lee, thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I am sorry to hear that our son has an illness, what is it? And how has he tried and how was it prevented?
      Did you know that unlike popular belief, it is not all that common for suicide victims to leave a note? The majority don’t.
      You are about the importance of knowing that we are not alone when we suffer or that we are not the only ones suffering.
      Please stay in touch and take care.

  3. Pingback: Snow-Light «

  4. You’re story hit me hard. I still have my stuffed bear I took to Iraq his name is mr fuzzy wuzzy my ex wife named him that but evryone else calls him combat bear. To make a short story long combat bear has been there through my divorce my struggle with alcoholism and womanization as well as dealing with my PTSD. I am doing better with all three issues but dont know where I would be without my bear. He is a true member of my family and one day he can start new storys with my children. He was even there to give me my one year coin for staying sober at last weeks AA meeting! ! 🙂

  5. Hi Matt, thank you for writing. Bears are very special friends and those of us who have one are lucky. I am glad that you have one to help you and support you as you fight and win your personal battles. Those are the ones that can wound us the most.
    Take care Matt, Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
    Big hug
    Esmeralda & Bruno

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