Frozen Brain Syndrome

A tavola - Come to the table

Andrew, Daddy and Robert

Frozen Brain Syndrome; does it exist? If not, what is it that has frozen my thoughts?
It’s like when you open your mouth to speak in a dream, and no sound comes out.
I want to say something to Andrew, I want to have a conversation. I want to talk about something interesting, I want to listen to you explaining something to me and then ask you ”

how do you know this Andrew?”
You seemed to know everything, from one hundred things you one can do with duct tape, to what questions to ask when buying a second-hand motorbike, the difference from Egyptian art and whatever other art and how to read a painting, you knew almost every Churchill quote, you knew how to write and read hundreds of Chinese characters…..

Did you not know that after jumping from the tenth floor of Bobst library you would die?
Did you not know that your death would break our hearts, rip us into shreds?

I really, really would like you to have dinner with us tonight. I would like to call out:
A tavola… come to the table….” and see you stroll into the kitchen and sit down at the table.
Yes, that is what I would like today.

Other than that I have no other thoughts going through my brain, it feels like jelly.

I love you Andrew. We all love you Andrew.


15 thoughts on “Frozen Brain Syndrome

  1. I too am suffering from Frozen Brain Syndrome!! Amazing the things you can still do while dealing with it’s symptoms.

    • Well, thank goodness I am not the only one. And indeed, I am also managing to do other things, in fact I am making a lentil soup for dinner tonight.
      Maybe sometime you’ll come over.

      • Mahalo nui, thank you very much, for the invitation. I will let you know if I am ever in the neighborhood. Actually my brother lives in NJ so who knows perhaps there is a trip coming up in my future!?! Btw, I love lentil soup. It actually makes me think of the folk tale about Stone Soup. Do you know that story? The story makes me think of your blog…how you’ve brought the stone and how everyone’s contributions to the soup enrich it. And in the end, we all come together to be nourished by the soup and our community. Thank you for being such an audacious cook. The soup is good. A tavola.

      • No I don’t know about stone soup, I’ll look it up. Thank you for all the great ingredients you have been contributing. A tavola 🙂

  2. Esmeralda – Reading this post makes me feel that shredded heart you so accurately describe. I ache for you and for all of us who share your profound pain, more acute some days than others. Funny but at least for now, one of the times I get angry at Teddy is when he’s not there so I can’t ask him questions. About computers. Science and how things work. Java and HTML. Latin and geometry and the physics of the discus and jav. Velocity and mass.The Greek alphabet. Whether we should switch to Fios. How magic tricks are done. Poker.All the things – much like Andrew – where I knew he knew the answers, though I had no idea how. And then other times the answer was “I don’t know, Mom. Just wiki it.” Take care. Carla xox

    • I was thinking, wouldn’t it be “nice” and also help raise awareness to all gather with a picture of our sons and daughter, one day late in the spring or in the summer, somewhere in the city? We could call it: Suicide Awareness and Prevention Day
      What do you think?

  3. Dear Emeralda,
    You must have so many questions. Although I do not believe in the “paranormal,” I do believe there is “normal” phenomena that science is trying to explain as we speak, and that might actually have validity. Despite my intellectual refutations, I received some comfort after a friend’s death by going to an intuitive counselor–in those days, they called them “psychics.” I don’t want to add to the layers of questions and pain, but if you are interested in this subject–controversial I know–contact me— I can at least offer a reading list–and a bit more if you would just contact me personally. Nothing nefarious, I promise. Honestly, I think you can get some gentle and credible answers. I would love to facilitate that. And this is not a solicitation. I would love to “give” you this. V

  4. I’ve been following your blog and read it everyday as I mourn my best friend who passed away from suicide several months ago. You are not alone in your pain and I know you will do great things to turn it into action.

    Along the lines of the comments above, I actually saw a medium – Rebecca Rosen – whose grandmother and father committed suicide. She was able to make contact with my friend and give me some answers. I would not have believed it had I not experienced it myself. Her book “Spirited” also gives much good info. about the afterlife, communicating with spirit. I decided to see her because she knows the pain of suicide all to well and donates to suicide prevention charities.

    You can take or leave this information but I really wanted to share it with you because it is the only thing that has given me any peace.

    • Dear Kate, how sad that you had to lose a friend this way. I know how devastated my son’s friends were. It is not an easy loss for anyone. I am glad that you found solace through Rebecca Rosen and my goodness for some one to lose a parent and grandparent to suicide…. Alas I have learned that it is not that unusual.
      I am a spiritual person, I do believe in after life and I do believe that some people are better able than able to tune to the “right frequency,” it is actually something that we all have the potential to develop. Thank you for the suggestion, I DO appreciate it. Take care.
      ps. By the way, how did you come across my blog? Thank you for following it and for taking the time to comment, please feel free to share whatever you like about your friends. Nice to “meet you”, it is nice to know some of the names of the people who follow me. 🙂

    • Actually… You’ve just reminded me of when the children were little and they would make mud pies and mud soup, they were so sweet, and I would watch them from the kitchen window.

      • I have the sweetest picture of my son and his closest brother doing just that…sweet memories of innocent and playful times…

  5. Thank you Esmerelda for asking me to post more about my friend. He actually was the love of my life who died way too early at 39. We had dated on and off and I still hoped he would be the one I married. I feel robbed of so much and even if we were just meant to be good friends, I am robbed of this witness to my life. His mental illness killed him. He was brilliant, funny, well-educated,had a great job but delusions came on fast and furious following a period of intense stress and he took his own life. No note, many plans for the future.

    I truly believe in addition to yoga and meditation, we need to add mental health teaching to school curriculums. He might still be alive if those he told about his delusions understood them better. Though even his doctor did not think he was suicidal but things can change in minuteds with these diseases.

    I am struggling as I have never struggled before. This experience has brought me to my knees.

    • My Dear Kate, I am so sad for you. I can feel your pain pouring out of your words.
      But, we will all get throught it and we will get to other side, one day.
      You have a big family now, surivvors like me, I know you’d rather have a different family, so would I, but here we are, and we are not alone.
      Big Hug
      please stay in touch

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