Maybe because of the intensity of the activities in Washington, recuperating from it, and writing about it all, I have been sufficiently engaged on something meaningful to me, that I didn’t go wondering, visiting the sadness of Andrew’s death, long enough to become drenched in sorrow.
Then yesterday, without warning the flood gates opened and I cried all day.
It doesn’t take much, something someone says, the whiff of a memory floating by, an image, a sound, a smell; and suddenly I am in pieces, again.
And then I get scared. I ask myself how I can ever trust those moments when I can look at a picture of Andrew and smile. I wonder how I can ever go forward and not backward.

The sun is shining, it is going to be another warm day today. No difference really from other days when young Florentina and Andrew (Robert wasn’t born yet), might decide to go outside and make an umbrella house… No difference other than years have passed….and Andrew….. My Fallen Knight…. I have to go now, my memories are calling me.

4 thoughts on “Memories

  1. Hi E,
    I too find the floodgates opening unexpectedly, often at the oddest times. It seems like I can go for almost a week, then suddenly I am swamped with regrets, sorrow so strong it takes my breath away. Today is the 6 month anniversary of his death. I cannot fathom how I have made it 6 months without my sweet boy.
    The little tributes I have set up around the house and at work bring little comfort, when all I want is to hug him tight and never let go.
    I find myself hunting thru old photos, some going back a hundred years. I seem fascinated by the past..perhaps because the future looks so bleak without Drew.
    All I can tell you, is to let the tears come as they will. People around will just have to deal with them, as I cannot fight them back sometimes. The brave, forward facing facade can only stay up so long, then I am back to my memories and my sorrow.
    My hugs to you today. I wish I could wrap my arms around you just now…send you some kind of relief, some kind of peace.
    Thank you for being here. you helpmore than you know. love to you all.

  2. Bittersweet truth Iola! You loved and still yet love Andrew so deeply Esmeralda that the grief is also deep. Funny how I shared one song with you on your birthday post. I chronicle my journey through Grief with many songs that speak to my heart. The song, written by another, was my humble gift to someone who’s words and heart has lessen the burden of my own grief and helped me find more insights in my own Journey. I hope reading the lyrics brings you some comfort… So much love to you…Aloha nui…Esmeralda

    • I’ll read them again, and thank you so much. By the way, we all help each other here. I love that we have created a sort of loving community and we are ready to step when someone is down more than ourself.

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