Palm Sunday

Andrew Eugene & Florentina

A Festive meal at our old house - In the picture: Andrew, a friend of Florentina's, Eugene, and Florentina

Somebody just reminded me that today is Palm Sunday. Of course it must be, next Sunday is Easter.
In the past, by this time we would have probably bought the Easter eggs that, come Easter Sunday, would be hidden for the children’s annual Egg Hunt.
I’d have the menu planned and friends invited to our holiday lunch. But then, we would also have our three children under our roof.
Andrew would be home from college on his spring break, Robert would already be home, but he too on spring break. And this time last year, since she was doing her master and not yet working full-time, Florentina too would be home on her spring break.

To be perfectly honest, I can’t say that this time last year we had the most idyllic Easter of our lives, for we were in the midst of selling our house. Yes, we did have Easter eggs, a nice meal with friends… but the move was foremost on our minds and everything was hectic.
We were selling the home we had built and lived in for the last twelve years. Neither Hugh nor I had lived in the same country, area, let alone house for as such a long, uninterrupted length of time, and it goes without saying that neither had the children.
Moving is unsettling, no matter what the circumstances, and our family had moved not only house several times, but country too. Yet, for some reasons, last year’s move was different. Not for me too much – to be honest I was rather excited by the prospect of playing house in a different house. But the children were sad to be leaving their childhood home.
Easter of last year was the last holiday we celebrated in the pretty Center Hall Colonial we had built and lived in since September 1997. It was also the last big Holiday that we all spent together.
I remember gregagging (congregating) in Florentina’s room, late in the afternoon, after our guests had left. Hugh in the armchair, Florentina, Robert, Andrew and I on her bed, all trying to fine tune the upcoming May move.
Picking our way through a major Tag Sale, Andrew’s finals, Florentina’s graduation, Andrew’s birthday; it was a major logistical endeavor, a monumental amount of work; but we did it and I was really proud of all that we/I, had achieved.

"Tag Sale"

Last May's Tag Sale

Coming back to now though, we are still able to say “this time last year,” but this time next year we won’t, or rather when this time next comes and we say, “this time last year,” all that will have changed or happened, will be the length of time that we have been without Andrew.
This thought alone is making my chest tighten and hard to swallow.
And so, while it is still not too far for me to reach, pardon me if I leave you while I go and dive in my not too distant past.


2 thoughts on “Palm Sunday

  1. Esmeralda – You so clearly express the thoughts I had on every big milestone during the year leading up to the one year anniversary of Teddy’s death. (And a specific memory of my hiding Easter eggs for Clay, who had always competed with Teddy to find the most. It just wasn’t as fun for Clay, though we both tried our best.) I had that hyper-awareness, as you write about, that this would be the last time ever – for each milestone/event – the last time I would be able to think and say, “last year, when Teddy was still alive we …” And, along with this thinking, the awareness that after the first year, I couldn’t say that anymore. Even though the ache was just as deep and raw and painful. It was/is such a profoundly sad thought. It is such a concrete reminder of the permanency of our loss, more from the heart than from the mind. I know this is quite rambling but I hope you know what I mean. I think I wrote about this same phenomenon on my blog. Will need to go back and look. Carla xox

    • Indeed I do know what you know mean exactly, and you are NOT rambling.
      My daughter was saying to me a few days ago that even the wake was better than this, at least we still had Andrew with us. And I know exactly what she means and I absolutely agree with her?

      ps Carla, did you get my email about the Fair?

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