One Week

Cameron Dabaghi died one week ago yesterday!

I remember the one week “anniversary” of Andrew’s death. My husband spent half of that night awake, wandering around the house and the garden. As though now he had a head start, and being ahead of him this time, he would intercept Andrew before he killed himself.
While I, sedatives notwithstanding, tossed and turned all night.

Here is what I wrote that morning:

Fallen Knight

"A Much Younger Knight"

A Much Younger Knight - Seventeen year-old Andrew ready to fence

In vain Daddy was up last night with Uncle John, around about the time when you may have been wandering the streets last week.
Casting his thoughts this way and that like a net, pacing in all directions, he sought to “intercept” you. Even in a city that never sleeps there can’t be too many people making their way to the library at NYU.
You see Andrew, last night, this morning hadn’t come.

The phone hadn’t rung, you were alive; you were our son we could still hug.

In my disjointed sleep last night, I fought and lashed out.

Dearest child, did I forget to tell you that there isn’t a man, woman or child in this world who hasn’t wanted to die?

I held your child’s hand to steady your first steps, to keep you safe while crossing the street.
Daddy helped you graduate from sitting on a potty to “pointing Percy at the porcelain.”
He taught you how to shave and how to drive. Did we leave out the dangers of the mind?

What battle you fought we shall never know, what dragon or demon you faced, you took down with you.
But not our love. No, my child; not our love. Love never dies, and love does not judge.

I long for you to be alive in your body, and here with us.
A thousand tears and the scream of ages throb in all my cells; but I do not judge you my darling Tigger, I only love you.

Love allows love to be. The Fountain of All Love never stops flowing for you, or for me.

It was a hope, it was a dream, it was worth a try; but it is now past the hour when you gave your life to slay your dragon.
We love you and we stand with you; our fallen Knight.

2 thoughts on “One Week

  1. Dear Esmeralda,

    This moved me to tears. Absolute anguish, so immediate, so raw…. there can be none greater.
    Oh, God! I am so very, very, sorry for your loss.

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