I’ve Got To Go

Robert is home sick today with a sore throat, fever, aches and pains. He is in bed and asleep.
I myself spent most of the day in bed yesterday. Not because I was sick, but because… I don’t know exactly. I felt better in bed than out of it. I spent hours cuddled up with myself, Bruno and a little doll I have. With my eyes closed I thought about Andrew. I tried to bring up images other than the one I always see of him, lying dead at the hospital.
Of course I remember when he was born, when he was a baby, a toddler, a young child. But those are distant memories, with faded outlines and sounds.
Even my own memories of myself are like strangers to me, “how do you do,” I almost say when I meet myself in long ago memories.
Baby Alexander, gone for almost fifteen years seems unreal. Did I really have him? I feel the loss but no longer his presence.
I want to keep Andrew, I never want to lose him, I never want to not smell his smell just by thinking about him, or hear his voice by talking to him in my mind, or see his smiling or intense face. I don’t want time, as it moves on, to rob me of yet more of my son.
Today I feel… it is more than sadness. I feel tired, I feel oppressed. I think of Florentina too, her constant sadness and tears break my heart. She is a shadow of herself, even when she makes herself laugh, it sounds hollow. Andrew… this is destroying your sister, you need to help her, please!
I need to get out and get some fresh air. I need to get out and move.
Sorry, I’ve got to go.
Esmeralda

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2 thoughts on “I’ve Got To Go

  1. Florentina’s constant sadness and tears break my heart too. I feel extremely useless, as I never know what to say or how to sound when my best friend who I adore calls and is sad and hurting.

    I hope Robert is feeling better.

    This so well written. You’re so good.

    Love,

    L

    • I don’t know what to do either, we are all grieving and hurting. I find strength in my activism, I always have and I have been taking medications since Andrew died, but Florentina doesn’t want to.
      I hope you might be able to come to the Fair, do you like the sound of it? Can you also us spread the word?
      Love
      Esmeralda
      xoxox

      ps Thank you for being there for Florentina

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