Why Not Leave It To Others?

Yesterday afternoon I started feeling despondent and overwhelmingly sad all over again. A visceral feeling of loss shook me from the inside out. The incredulity and horror of what has happened reawakened, I wondered around myself for a while, then I went to Andrew’s room and pulled down the white box with his effects from the shelf in his closet.
Untying the string around the box, I thought about the morning when our friend David, Zack’s father, had driven us to the meeting at NYU’s Kimmel Building.
Somewhere up on a high floor of Kimmel, the same building where we had watched Florentina receive numerous graduation awards, we met with two NYPD officers and NYU’s head of security and his assistant.
Shaken and queasy, I watched as one of the Detectives handed over each of the items of clothing that Andrew had been wearing when he died. The jeans, the rugby shirt, the red Nautica sweatshirt, his black gym-everything-shoes. His beloved signet ring and Waterman pen.
Feeling nauseous and faint, I put my head down on the desk in front of me.
“The only other item, is the money that was in his pocket,” I heard the detective say. “Any cash found on a victim, we deposit into a special account. You’ll have to go to surrogate court, then come to the precinct and we’ll give you a check.”
I wanted to scream. Why couldn’t Andrew’s money have been left in his wallet?
We haven’t gone through the process to collect it yet, but we must! Andrew worked for his money. Even though he was at college studying difficult subjects such as Mandarin, he had a job and worked hard for his money. He didn’t come to Mummy and Daddy for money for books, or everyday expenses. I know he would have wanted his little brother, Robert, to have the $40 that was in his wallet.

After a moment or two, I managed to undo the knots, carefully removing the string, I stared at the white box with Eileen Fisher printed in black. Eileen had brought me some of her lovely scarves, wrapped in white, crisp, tissue paper, held together with a simple brooch inside that box. Eileen’s son, Zack, had been one of Andrew’s best friends and Eileen herself loved Andrew, and Andrew loved Eileen. That is why I used that box for Andrew’s “effects.”
One by one I took his clothes out, examined them, smelled them and cried, cried, cried.
After putting everything back, I marched into the kitchen.
“You can get a big bag of kettle corn from Trader Joe’s for $2,” I remembered Andrew telling me, as I dove into the pantry drawer and got myself a large bag of kettle corn.

"Trader Joe's Kettle Corn"

Trader Joe's Kettle Corn

After fumbling for a while, I got a pair of scissors and cut the darned bag opened. As if my life depended on it, I crammed handful after handful of corn in my mouth, until I almost choked. I slowed down a bit, took a swig of water and then went back to finish the job. I only stopped when there were only crumbs left, my black sweater was covered in white powdery salt and sugar, and I felt sick and disgusted.

When I finally stomped into bed, telling myself that my son was dead, I wondered why on earth I should organize a Fair for suicide awareness and prevention. Why not leave it to others who have more to lose than I?
Why not? What the fuck do I owe any body? Fuck all, that’s what!



14 thoughts on “Why Not Leave It To Others?

  1. “My heart breaks for you. I am still paralyzed with grief and have done nothing
    to break free. why bother, ..then I read all you have done since Nov, and I am
    ashamed of being so selfish. I am not the only one who has lost her precious
    son. So go to bed when you need to, much chips when you need to, anything..if it
    helps. You are a lifeline to me, and I doubt there are many for me left. hugs
    and warmth to you, dearheart.”


  2. Do it because you are good at it, do it because of the many babies that were put to bed on their backs instead of their stomachs because of your SIDS work, do it because of the many mothers and fathers that benefitted from you strong example then, do it because it may give you a reason to get up every morning until September,do it because of the 70,000 hits your blog has received, should I go on!!! Do it because there is a student at NYU that will take your information and use it…do it, do it, do it! You got robbed again…kick some ass again!!!

  3. ((((HUG))))

    I hope you feel my hug…

    I was very mad for a very long time.
    I was mad at myself, for allowing my son to die
    I was REALLY mad at my father
    I was mad at my business

    It took a very long time for me to let go of the anger – holding onto it is exhausting and self destructive.

    I think its so good that you let it out. SCREAM FUCK, EAT A BAG OF KETTLE CORN (just don’t eat and drive – and leave the cat out of this – I once tossed a cat when I was mad)

    I feel very selfish, this blog of yours is supposed to be about you but it feels like its for me.

    Your words are so honest that they kindle deep emotion inside me. some is painful, but still, I feel like it needs to be addressed.
    for example…… you wrote about Andrews dirty laundry and that sparked my memory of Kerry’s Wallet – how I smell it, still, and have kept it in a ziplock bag. you also bring back wonderful LIVING memories of Kerry that I thought I had lost. I’m not sure how you do this, but you do.

    Lets make time for lunch on my deck, one afternoon when it is warm again…. the rush of the waterfall is very healing…. we will call it a work lunch, but we will do AS WE DAMN WELL PLEASE! WE CAN SCREAM FUCK REALLY LOUD!!!

    • It’s our blog, it’s our children’s blog. Right now I can even imagine how one gets to wanting to take a running jump out of anger, frustration, desperation, sheer agony.
      And people preach, the Gosselins are put on show… Try to get the media to actually cover what’s important.
      And I still want to know how my son got the 10th floor of Bobst unimpeded!

  4. oh and I’m mad today!!! I’M REALLY FUCKING MAD ABOUT THOSE FUCKING STATUES THEY ARE PUTTING ON THE TOPS OF BUILDINGS IN NEW YORK – I saw it briefly on the news this morning as I was heading out the door for a meeting. It’s supposed to be ART…THAT IS NOT FUCKING ART…it looks like a person about to jump to their death…OKAY, YOU CAN ARGUE THAT ITS ART BECAUSE IT CAUSES A REACTION…BUT THIS IS BULLSHIT…ITS LIKE YOU’RE GLORIFYING SUICIDE!!! I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!! IT’S BULLSHIT (my favorite pissed off word)

  5. Dearest Esmeralda, Hugh, Florentina & Robert,

    I’ve known about your beautiful son Andrew since the first day of Chinese class at Drexel with my daughter Madison. She called very excited about her first class in chinese language and to tell me about the young good looking British student that wasn’t too friendly ( in the beginning ) to her.
    I read your blog often and have gotten to know a little more about how special your family truly is. The abundance of love, sharing, and understanding you all have for one another. I pray everyday for you, that the Divine gives your family peace and understanding. The effect that your blog and sharing your emotions and words…is for our understanding. Thank you for sharing Esmeralda, the Divine is working thru you, and you don’t owe anyone a thing. Madison reminded me that her and Andrew have birthday’s days apart next month. We both were silenced with sadness. Andrew you are in our hearts and truly missed! I hope to share a cup of tea with you in the future.

    • Dear Beverly, how lovely to hear from you. Thank you so much for writing. I know that Madison must be special too. It was through her that one day in January when I was REALLY down, Andrew reached out to me. And now you; thank you. Sometimes I wish he’d never left Drexel, but he was so excited to have got into NYU. But the transfer was tough, NYU sucks.
      Yes, Andrew’s birthday is on May 21st, he would have been 21. And mother’s day is coming up, I’ve never, ever, ever had a mother’s day without Andrew, never. And I can’t believe he will not be round anymore, not here anyway.
      Yes, let’s have a cup of tea. Where do you live?

      • Esmeralda, my son’s birthday is also in May!!

        The first birthday without him, I was able to get a few Monarch Butterflies to release with some of my family members who felt up to participating. I am glad I did that. >Iii<

  6. I’m in Southern New Jersey, Madison told me that she has spoken with you. She will be turning 21 as well in May. I hope to come to NYC for a visit with her over the summer. We would love to meet, if not before.

    • That would be great, do you know when? We’ll be away from the end of July to the end of August, we are going to Italy to my mother.
      Please let me know, I would love you to come to my house and we can have a meal together. Andrew would approve of that. 🙂

  7. Oh that would be wonderful! I will speak with Madison so we can make plans. She said after she spoke with you that she wanted us to meet. It will be after her June 12th graduation when we will come to NYC before she starts her summer job and before graduate school, which she is still waiting to here where she will attend after Drexel. I will get her to forward my information to you when I speak with her. Stay strong!

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