Grief

"Wild Cats"

Wild Cats

Grief is such a strange thing. It is almost like a wild cat, needing to be domesticated so that it can live with a family, in their home, without hurting anyone.
I mean, I haven’t exactly been happy since Andrew died, but I have sometimes felt dulled into not feeling, plus activism is therapeutic for me.
Going to Washington last month, working on the Fair now, it dulls the pain. I can get so involved with exploring and implementing the many ideas that keep coming to me, that sometimes I even feel happiness and joy, at having the privilege of working on something so important and meaningful.
Then, maybe because I am making too much noise, or I get careless, and the wild cat starts to twitch. Before I know it, it’s gone berserk, it got control of me and it’s roaring, growling, biting and clawing me.

These past few days it’s been like… It’s been as if a curtain in my mind opens, and I see Andrew’s death. It is a vision so frightening, so appalling, so grotesque, so surrealistic and painful, that even though the curtain closes again fairly quickly, the horror lingers on and on in my mind’s eyes, in my heart’s eyes.
I feel raw and dismembered anew, I feel Andrew’s loss all over again.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust the wild cat that has moved into my house, I’ll just have to learn to live with it and tread carefully.
I also know that my son never meant to hurt anyone.
I feel that it breaks Andrew’s heart to see the devastation left behind by his suicide. And I don’t want him to feel bad because for him to kill himself, he must have been suffering a living hell, silently, all by himself, to protect us. I want him to be at peace, I don’t want him to have to worry about us… and yet… I cannot let him go.

Dear Lord, help me let my son go so that he can be fully with you.

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7 thoughts on “Grief

  1. Dear, dear Esmeralda,
    I continue to follow the work you are doing for suicide prevention and your work, your life here.

    I am not absolutely sure, but think that it is Stephen Levine’s book Meetings at the Edge, the chapter “Opening the Heart in Hell: Marcia, mother of a murdered child,” which gives a response to a mother who can not help but keep “seeing” that last, terrible moment in her daughter’s life, a response I remember thinking could possibly help in even this, so unimaginably painful a situation.

    Levine and his wife also have a series of guided meditations on grieving in audio form (see Amazon.com). I have been much impressed with their healing work, used a film on forgiveness that they made in the classroom, after discovering it for myself and finding it so helpful.

    I know there is no “silver bullet.” But perhaps you can add Levine to your toolbox.

    Still continue to be educated by you and amazed and inspired by your work. Virginia

    • Nice to hear from you. Thank you for keeping in touch, I really appreciate it.
      About the Fair, I am tying to get a few psychic – mediums, to do readings for survivors.
      All programs will be free, so it would have to be someone who would do it for free.
      I will look up the book you mention. Take care, Esmeralda

  2. Damn, Esmeralda, you are good!!!
    Thank you so much for both naming this BEAST, and reminding me not to turn my back on it. XO

      • Hello there Kukunaokala. I wrote a “Hi, I am back” yesterday, just to let my friends know that I have not disappeared from the face of the earth. I will write from time to time. I don’t seem to be able to write the blog everyday and my book.
        But I was going through some of my earlier posts and I thought that some of them are worth reposting.
        How are you? I’ve missed you too.
        Take care, Esmeralda

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