Rustling In The Wind

"Young leaves"

Young leaves

And here we are, another day has dawned. The sun is high in the sky.
The transformation from deep winter to almost summer could not have been more drastic.
It happens every year I know, yet, this year, I don’t know how to feel about all the leaves that have suddenly sprouted and covered all the branches and bushes in the garden.
Their young greenness feels like impish yet innocent children and in the past I have stroked, talked and laughed with them. But now I feel their exuberance misplaced.
I am not in the mood to talk to trees and plants this year, and they should have known better than to pretend that nothing has happened.

But they wave and beckon for me to go outside.

Rustling in the wind their whisper promises of everlasting life.
I am persuaded at last to leave my room, to leave the house and go smile at the young leaves.

Maybe I am imagining it, but suddenly it feels as though Andrew is smiling too.

22 thoughts on “Rustling In The Wind

  1. Dear Esmeralda,
    I have been reading your posts everyday. Although I have never experienced suicide in my family, I can really feel the loss, pain, and uncontrollable sadness that you have been going through.

    I will be thinking of you. May you find joy in living (again). If nothing else, I believe Andrew would want you to be happy again.

    BTW, I agree with you that yoga and meditation is a sustainable solution to suicide. This is because the practices generate compassion for yourself and for others.

    Take care,

    • Thank you. Thank you for reading the Blog and for taking the time to comment. I am also glad that you see you yoga and meditation as I do.
      p.s. How did you come across the blog?

      • I had to admit that I found your blog through my own suicidal thoughts. In the depth of my pain and sadness, I searched the Internet and found out about what happened to Andrew.

        Now, I am over that thought and have a more rational mind.

        Hang in there,

      • Thank you for that little insight and I am glad that you are over that moment.
        One of the Fair committee members, is a suicide survivor, in this case survivor means of an attempted suicide. She is now an advocate and Yoga teacher. In fact she will do yoga classes on the square at the Fair (it rhymes doesn’t it?).
        Would you like to help organize the Fair? Where do you live? If you are local, maybe you could help on the day. If not, you can still help long distance if you’d like.
        Take care,

      • Hi again. I just wanted to make sure you knew that you have us. We love you and we are here for you! And do listen to Mummy Kukunaokala (it means ray of sunshine)
        Hugs, Andrew’s Mummy, Esmeralda

    • Angsana, you are so brave to disclose having had thoughts of suicide. Do you know that every human being is at risk for suicide, if the right factors come together? It is not unusual to have thoughts of dying and thoughts of living at the same time.

      While I am no expert, I did attend a training this month in my state called Asist. You can find out more about this training at

      If your thoughts led you to come up with a specific plan with a method and designated time. You are very at risk and I want you to be safe. Do not try to address your thoughts of dying and suicide alone! Get help; even if you feel that no one in your circle of friends and family can help, you can call 1 800 273 TALK or go to

      Even if you don’t think you need help right now, call the lifeline number and establish a connection and get some advice on how to stay safe.

      Keep talking about whatever you’re thinking about…there are ways other than suicide to decrease and/or end the pain that leads one to consider suicide.

      Be safe…aloha~

      • Thank you all for your compassion.

        Esmeralda — I am not a local. But I would love to lend a hand from where I am. Let me know.

      • GREAT! Do you have a sense of what the Fair is about? What particular things do you like doing? Kukunaokala is working on a few projects and could do with some help.
        Also we need to have a Facebook fan page for the Fair, do you know how to do that kind thing? (I don’t)
        We need publicity, media contacts anything that will raise the “volume” and get this subject out and talked about.
        All we have right now, as someone said, is a load of shitdust.
        Oh, and where are you from? I have a dream of having people helping from each State. So far we have NY, CA, Hawaii, Washington State, CT, Oklahoma, let’s get the list growing. 😉

      • Hi again Angsana – I am hoping to have one person (at least) from each state, where are you from? So I can add you to “my map”
        Thanks, Esmeralda.
        PS What does Angsana mean?

  2. Nature, designed by a loving Being, has the power to heal! Breathe it in Esmeralda…there were so many days during the first year that I simply sat outside and breathed. On the beach, at the cemetary, at city gardens,on my lanai (porch)…

    I have NO DOUBT that if you felt with your being Andrew smiling…I am SURE, he was smiling! 😀


  3. This was so beautiful Esmeralda. every word.

    I have a hard time with spring. still.

    The lilacs were in full bloom when Kerry passed.
    new growth…shooting up, people smiling… happy, clueless to my pain. I

    I told myself I would shoot the umbrella of white that caps the town hall trees today. I lied.

    maybe tomorrow.

    so glad you danced today. again, you inspired me to do the same.

    much love………..xomonkeyME

    • I wouldn’t shoot the trees in the Town Hall if I were you, you’d get into trouble, don’t you think?
      Maybe we should just go and collect the d… flowers. They are lovely actually. Love 🙂

  4. Awesome! Aloha e Angsana! As you may notice, I am from Hawaii. Our auspicious sub-committee / task group has the task of bringing forward meaningful printed material and eduational groups with presenters/trainers to help educate the Wellness Fair-goers on what to do to help people help themselves when they experience thoughts of suicide. Welcome to our group!

    If you have read the blog, you may know that to respect the wishes of
    some of my family members uncomfortable talking about how my son died. I have been using a monicker on the blog. . Actually it is a nickname–RayofSunshine. Another reader once wrote Rayo 🙂 I like that. KukunaOKala means RayofSunshine in Hawaiian.

  5. Hi Esmeralda,

    Right now, I am in PA. I am not that good with Facebook but I can help with other things. Let me know.

    Angsana is a name of a tree. You can google “angsana tree” and you will see some pictures. It is a big tree with yellow flowers.

    BTW, I came across a book titled “Why people die by suicide” by Thomas Joiner. He is a professor at Florida State University. He is also a suicide survivor. His Dad committed suicide. You may want to check it out and see if you can get him interested in your project.

    Take care, -a

    • Great to hear from you again. I’ll give your email to Rayo so that you can communicate directly with each other and also you can get in touch with me anytime.
      I will look up T. Joiner’s book, thank you for pointing it out. In the meantime, why don’t you contact him and see if you can get him involved? Please let me know.
      What a lovely name.
      Take care, Angsana. Love, Esmeralda

    • Angsana, I have read Thomas Joiner’s book. It was one of many books I read when I was searching for the answer WHY my son died of suicide. After I read his book, I finally stopped asking the “why” question. It helped me a lot.

      I look forward to getting your email address. My family is from Ohio.
      Be well! Aloha~ Rayo 🙂

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