My Son Died Six Months Ago Today


"Florentina speaking at Andrew's funeral - November 7, 2009"

Florentina speaking at Andrew's funeral - November 7, 2009

Hugh and I woke up during then night because of the heavy rain.
When I looked at the clock, it was 3:30 am.
Six months ago at 3:30 am, Andrew was on his way to Bobst, NYU’s main library.
Six months ago at that time, Andrew had roughly forty minutes of life left on Earth.

Six months ago at four o’clock am, Andrew entered the library, went up to the 10th floor, climbed over the 8ft high Lexan glass, jumped and died.
Only a lapse in security explains how Andrew was able to go up to the 10th floor undetected and unimpeded.

Hence my questions: what was the security guard at the entrance desk doing?
Where was the security guard supposed to patrol the building?

I have asked and they give me bureaucratic mambo jumbo crap.

I will continue to ask, but for now what I know is that this time six months ago, we were looking at Andrew’s DEAD BODY. DEAD BODY, DEAD BODY, DEAD BODY, DEAD BODY


14 thoughts on “My Son Died Six Months Ago Today

  1. I wish there was something I could say that would erase the pain you are in every day. I know in your mind that you know you did nothing wrong, and that you were the best Mom possible, but it’s your heart that hurts and makes you question every tiny thing and relive moments over and over… If you ever need someone to just listen or someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me. My thoughts are with you *hugs*


    • Thank you Kim, I really appreciate it. Have you been touched by suicide? How did you come across this blog?
      Hugs, Esmeralda

  2. I just past the 7 month mark for my Andy. Each month, I regress back to that horrid day..questioning what I did wrong, what I could have done. Each morning, as I get ready for work, I look up at the exactly 6.20am. It was when Andy died. Pain shoots into my brain, and I feel so lost.
    Andrew was bullied, harrassed, verbally abused at work by his supervisor for over a year. All I am finding out now, when it is too late to save my precious young man. The investigator we had look into it has doubts it was a suicide…could the perverted bastard have forced my son to do this? the police are strangly silent. where do you go for answers…it all leads to brick walls. His father is broken, and struggling to regain a level of his health..I wander through the days, wanting answers, wanting the bastards he worked for held accountable…it seems such a noble cause, but its such a futile mental exercise. The answers will never come, my son will never hug me again…and life goes on..all without me.
    I feel for you, dear. This is all just so very hard, and all you want is your Andrew back. Its all I want too.

    • Dearest Iola, I am so sorry about your son. I have no words, I don’t know what to say. What awful darkness full of … nothing but questions and mystery.
      You must do what your heart tells you to do. Have you thought of talking to a medium? Let me know.
      Big, big hug dear friend, let us all hung in there, we’ll all be together again, that’s certain. Esmeralda

  3. Dear Esmeralda,
    I found your website thru Dempsey Rice’s website. My heart aches for you and for those parents whose children decided to take their own lives – for the very reason that they can no longer bear the pain and decided to give up the fight. I have four children and can only imagine what you are going through.

    I have not really navigated much your site yet but I will, so I can understand more. Therefore, I am not sure what your spiritual beliefs are.

    I am sure that many people will try to reach out to you and your family to offer comfort. I am one of them. Please – allow me to share with you my faith without imposing to you what I believe. Nevertheless, I would like for you to have this hope too. The REAL hope coming from the Bible – about the resurrection of the dead and the promise of everlasting life. I hope you will check out the website links below and see for yourself if the answers do not make sense to you:

    I hope you can find comfort in knowing that someday soon, you will see your beloved Andrew again. It IS promise from a God who LOVES us so much.
    – Anna

    • Dear Anna, Thank you so much for taking the time to write, to offer words of comfort. I appreciate it. It is precisely this kind of human generosity that offers hope and aids healing. I am glad that you too believe in a continuing life. It gives me enormous comfort to know that my son is alive and well and still with us. It is the ordinary part of us who views death as loss rather than as a period at the end of a sentence. I struggle between the feeling of loss and the knowledge of the eternity of life.
      When you have a moment, please read the sign up page, and maybe you can volunteer? Where do you live?
      Best, Esmeralda

      • Hi Esmeralda,
        Thank you for acknowledging my comment.

        I live in Dover, Delaware. The Mental Health Association of Delaware is very active in this area:

        I will visit your site again. Please read the links I sent you – you never know when portions of the articles will give you tremendous comfort and hope.
        Take care – Anna

  4. My son also committed suicide quite recently. It’s so difficult. I miss him so much. The only thing that keep me alive is reaching out to others to help. Please call me. My number is 713-461-6912. My cell is 713-806-9321.



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