Why Did You Do It?


"October 2008 - Greg, my cousin Renato & Andrew playing Forza, a car racing game"

October 2008 - Greg, my cousin Renato & Andrew playing Forza, a car racing game

It’s a mess. Our lives are in shambles. Even if we look whole on the outside we are broken on the inside.
I really do feel… different.
Often I have to close my eyes and cover my face with my hands. My being shudders with the enormity of what has happened.
I take myself to the hospital where Andrew lay dead, and I look at him. And every time I see his slightly swollen face, the white-collar around his neck, the tube coming out of mouth, the white sheet covering his body. Every time I am shot in the heart, I wrythe in horror.
I berate myself for not screaming and breaking things at the time. Why did I arrive at the hospital quietly? Why didn’t I bring the building down with my howls of pain? Why did I go quietly when they told us that it was time for us to leave? Why did I not protest and stop them from taking my son away?

Why, Lord, Oh Why….. ((((((((WHY)))))))))
Why did you did it Andrew???????? How could you do this to yourself and to us?????
How could you take your own life, how could you go up to the 10th floor and jump knowing that you would die? Knowing that once you jumped you could not change your mind?

How can we still be alive with so much pain in our hearts, our minds and our body?

When will we see you again Andrew? When will we hear your beautiful voice and your contagious laughter? When will I see you eat my food again? When will your room be messy again?
When will I forget what you looked like dead?
When will your father, your sister and your little brother be alright again?

And you Andrew, my darling Andrew, are you alright?

Oh Andrew… our life is unbearable without you


17 thoughts on “Why Did You Do It?

  1. Esmeralda, this is one of the best pieces you have written to describe the anguish of those left behind after a loved on dies by suicide. I am sorry you know this pain. In time, perhaps it is after all the tears that must be cried are shed. Or perhaps it is after multiple prayers are shouted to the heavens and peaceful replies bring healing to the heart. Or perhaps it is after the mind in it’s incessant search for answers finds the book or the conference about suicide that satisfactorily calms the frenetic search to understand how your once vivacious child could choose death over life. But somehow the day does come when the anguish stops screaming through your body and yor family and finds a place to dwell. Always present but controlled in it’s corner of your mind and house. You know it’s there and you decide each day whether you will visit it or not.

    My son needs a ride to school. No time to visit with my anguish right now…
    Rayo 🙂

  2. ummmmmm…. after reading your post I rubbed the throb just below the center of my chest bone.

    after I found Kerry, I ran, I screamed. I screamed so hard a bulge of some sort perturbed from my belly, just below my chest bone. I spent the days, weeks, months, maybe years, after rubbing it in a circular motion and moaning “ummmm”

    I remember people looking uncomfortable as I did it, but no one said a word.

    I have not thought about that rub, that moan, that bulge of pain, until this post of yours.

    I ache with you …

    • I just want to scream in the past, in the present and who knows, unless things change dramatically, in the future too.

  3. Esmeralda,
    Its good that you speak about your pain because it must help others to do this. You asked me to write more about my son Bruno, well I can say something in answer to your question.
    You ask why did Andrew kill himself.
    Speaking for myself, if depression is like cancer then the answer as to why it can lead to death is a scientific one. People arnt born depressed. Most children are naturally positive and full of life. If they are not it will be some deficiency of the body or environment that can be corrected provided there is the will to do so.
    What happens to them as they try to grow up? They are expected to adjust and adapt to a cruel, unfair and inhuman world that treats people like they are commodities, ciphers, to be manipulated and controlled. They learn to play along, some more than others. I call this alienation.
    Most of us can adjust and can avoid or overcome fatal depressions so we feel betrayed when our children cannot. That is the broken heart speaking, but what was our heart before it was broken?
    Speaking for myself I had to ask what had died in myself before I could see what made my child die. Was it my capacity to see the truth and act on it? Not entirely, because my son learned from me and his mother why the world was so cruel and why what he believed was human was trashed in wars, famines, in the brutality that we are subjected to in every area of life. But he still felt responsible as an individual and powerless to live in this cruel world. So he took refuge inside himself in his favourite music and literature.
    What did he have that we had lost? I think it was his innocence along with his cynicism about the professed ‘good’ in the world. I like to think that it was his refusal to live a lie that made him feel powerless, that in the end caused him deep depression, that also meant he kept the worst from us to protect us when he chose to die. Maybe this is must my self-therapy talking.
    Was he crazy, yes, because he was rejecting the life that made him what he was. But also, no, because, if life means a living death then what is the difference?
    The difference is in who our children leave behind. But that is our problem. We bore them, raised them, loved them, could not stop them from dying, so who are we to say you MUST LIVE FOR US?
    I prefer to say we will remake the world so that you can live in your innocence because that is what it is to be human.

    • Dearest Dave, I do know what you are saying. I put it like this, the alienation of which you speak, I define it as the seeming disconnect with our true Self. The void created by the disconnect is manifests as hunger, anger, fear, loss, depression, jealousy, envy, mistrust … all the negative and life destroying emotions. We try to fill this void by overeating, drinking, starving (anorexia, bulimia), smoking… all sorts of addictions. But nothing works long term. I do think that Andrew and Bruno, saw through the superficiality of Maya, illusion. Because of their higher than “normal” sensitivity and sensibility, they knew that to pursue happiness in this material world was futile yet they lacked the intuition or the willingness or both, to get on the “path” to enlightenment, on the path that leads to an abiding connection to Source, to ourSelf.
      It is the small I that feels pain, it is the mother in me that feels that I failed to make my son happy, to keep my child safe. It is the small I that remembers the occasion when I spanked him as child, or told him off about something or other… The pain he must have felt and carried, courageously by himself, punches and bruises and cuts into my flesh as truly as a knife or a fist.
      I want to say sorry to him for my many faults. I want happiness and peace for him where he is, and a hug for me where I am.

  4. Found this blog, and your post Esmeralda, as I was
    surfing the Web. I have lost a nephew, my brother’s
    boy, age 15, who died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. He did not leave a note, and it’s uncertain if it was
    an accident or suicide, but of course it was devastating.
    Several friends also died suddenly and at least one
    was almost certainly a suicide. So I have been
    personally touched by this although I know my losses
    can’t compare with the loss of one’s own child.

    In the book Home With God by Neale Donald Walsch,
    the last of the “Conversations With God” series,
    “God” said that suicides, once out of the body,
    realize they solved nothing by ending their lives, and that they still need to learn the lessons they thought they were escaping by death of the body. So, usually
    they reincarnate quickly.

    I highly recommend that book to anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.

  5. Being at peace doesn’t mean there is no further
    growth. One can be at peace with the ongoing changes
    that continue both in and out of the body.

    As the Buddhist say, we never step in the same
    river twice.

    • Would you like to help with any of our initiatives? Have you signed the petition and sent it around? That would be a BIG help. xox

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