21 Today


"Andrew in our midst this time last year"

Andrew in our midst this time last year

Andrew would have been 21 today.
As well as the sorrow of this birthday without the birthday boy, Monday night I experienced a break down of sorts.
In that state all feelings are heightened to an unbearable degree.
I felt hopeless, helpless, forsaken and with searing fear shooting via my diaphragm into my body.
Luckily just that evening a friend of mine had just arrived from Europe. She is one of my Ammassociates, as Andrew used to call all my Amma friends. She practices a form of healing called kinesiology.
Thanks to her ministrations, my loving husband and children I am a bit better. It also helps to know that these feelings pass, not to panic and pray, breathe, sleep.
I am doing all I can to get better, even writing today is part of the effort, of my determination to not give in.
But it is hard, I feel overwhelmed. I am not made of stone, I am not superhuman. I have all these initiatives going on, and I wonder if I can do it.
Right now I am on my knees.

Oh Lord hear our prayers.
Andrew darling, please take care, we all love you.


11 thoughts on “21 Today

  1. Welcome back dearest Esmeralda.

    I am sorry to hear of your break down. I had forgotten about the “break downs” I had. Kind of like how a mother forgets the pains of labor. Even now I can remember they happened and how when I got my wits back I thought, “OH, my God! Was this anything like what my son experienced frequently and with greater intensity?” And I had greater empathy and compassion.

    You are not alone… (((hugs)))

  2. One more comment! I refuse to let death win! I refuse to let the sting and sorrow of death overrule the beauty and joy of birth. This wish is for the beauty of your precious Andrew:
    I only “know” you from the pictures and stories your mother shares, but I look forward to meeting you one day.

    May this day honor you and the beauty and joy of your birth and life… >i<

  3. Dizzy, you know my heart’s with you all … try to make it a good day. He’s around you and in you …

    Much love
    N x

  4. Happy Birthday Andrew! My hugs to you, your mom and family. Its not the same without you here…so many lives affected by your loss..so many sad hearts at your leaving…Dickens wrote:

    “And can it be, in a world so full and busy,
    The loss of one creature
    Makes a void, so wide and deep,
    That nothing but the width and depth
    Of Eternity can ever fill it up.”

    Wrap your arms tight around your family today, Andrew. You are deeply loved and keenly missed.

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