Was Andrew Ever Happy?

I often wonder, “Was Andrew ever happy?”
“How could he have hidden a suffering so deep that made him take his life?” I ask myself.
I remember his smiles, his laughter, his appetite, his love for my cooking, for his motorbike Loki, for his family, and more.
I remember his wicked sense of humor, his amazing mimicking abilities and his insightful observations.
I remember a lot of mundane, every day things.
Yes Andrew was an introvert and a deep thinker. True, he never was a “run-of-the-mill child,” on the contrary, he challenged and questioned everything. He didn’t do things to please others, not even himself, unless they squared up with his inner metric.
I look back over the years when Andrew was with us, and I can also see that there were times when Andrew was quiet, or upset over some thing or other, but mostly I remember happy times together, and I ask myself how could he have smiled and laughed so much, if he had so much pain inside?

And then last night it hit me. I saw myself smiling, even laughing in the past few months, writing this blog, working to promote emotional wellness, yet inside I am suffering!
I can indeed laugh about something. I derive satisfaction from my philanthropy work, but the broken parts inside me are still broken.
And that, I think, is how it must have been for Andrew. I am glad that at least I have figured something out.

I am still recovering from last week’s mini break-down, my anxiety level is still a bit high and I get tired more easily. I am tired now, but the sun is shining and the birds’ cheerful chirping is a pleasure to listen to.
I’ll spend some time listening to them.

Take care everyone,
Esmeralda

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4 thoughts on “Was Andrew Ever Happy?

  1. His “inner metric” is a beautiful phrase. I bet Andrew developed this very early in life. I think it gets driven out of most of us as we ‘grow’ up. You gave him the upbringing and protection that allowed it to survive. I think bright sensitive kids are also very humorous because they see the absurdity in every situation and they can express it very well. Bruno loved B grade movies, and ‘sick’ humor, Monty Python. We raised him on Chaplin and Buster Keaton. He used to crack jokes as if he was talking to himself. He could see the ridiculous in everything. What I miss most about Bruno is his intelligent commentary on the world. In a way his death was his final word on how dissappointed he was that we couldnt enable him to live up to his “inner metric”.

    • Andrew, and I too, have a strong sense of the ridiculous. He too (and the rest of my family except for me) loved Monty Python.
      By the did you know that Andrew’s beloved teddy bear from when he was one year old is called Bruno?
      And did you know that Bruno came from down under?
      I think I’ll post the first chapter of Bruno’s story tomorrow.
      BHFM
      Esmeralda

  2. Dizzy – I can’t say anything profound here but OF COURSE Tigger was happy. We all have dark corners within ourselves … his must have overwhelmed him for a short while. It’s cruel that it happened, more cruel still that he couldn’t find a light that night … but don’t EVER think he was always suffering, simply not true.

    Love
    N x

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