Seven Months Yesterday

"Hugh, me, 7 year old Andrew and 18 months old Robert on the QE2" -August 1996

Hugh, me, 7 year old Andrew and 18 months old Robert on the QE2 -August 1996


"Little Andrew holding a rabbit -  Sicily - Christmas 1996"

Little Andrew holding a rabbit - Sicily - Christmas 1996

Seven months yesterday!

The morning of November 3, is branded on my mind and body.
I remember the electric bolt that seared my being when I heard the words:
“His heart stopped. He passed away.”

“My son?”

For a moment, after I got dressed and called friends, I sat down on a chair in the kitchen. My whole body folded on itself like a string puppet without it’s strings. Everything seemed to give way to destruction.
My body felt the impact of Andrew’s fall, thud, thud, thud.
Just as suddenly this nauseating, life-destroying assault on my mind and body receded, like behind a curtain.
It comes back and visits when I least expect it.

I cannot understand, I cannot, I cannot.

Darling come back, please come back……

IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL OR NEED TO TALK CALL THE NATIONAL LIFELINE
1-800-273-8255

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One thought on “Seven Months Yesterday

  1. Twenty Three by MC Lars

    LYRICS:

    I don’t sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death
    Down the hall, there’s a kid that I know
    He’s kind of quirky so I say hello
    He’s so sarcastic but he’s always right
    Working on those problem sets late into the night
    Mad magazines sit piled by his bed
    A million brilliant thoughts going all through his head
    We bike to class in the autumn rain
    He tells me that he’s fine but I know he’s in pain
    Pat I miss you dude it’s so hard to say goodbye
    In Europe last winter you were tired of the lie
    Monoxide in the bathroom but the door was locked
    We were always there for you, you could have called and talked
    I felt guilty and alone and so sick when I discovered
    You did it in Berlin, you’d just talked to your mother
    I guess it was too much, depression disillusion
    Maybe suicide’s an answer, but it wasn’t the solution

    And I wish that you hadn’t done it
    Could have won it and moved on from it
    And we could have grown old together
    But instead you’ll always be 23…. 23.

    We sat together one night on El Camino
    On the bench by the bus stop hiding from El Nino
    You told me your secret I just sat there in shock
    You couldn’t tell your parents, you couldn’t break that lock
    Cognitive dissonance, trapped in your shell
    Depression and regression made your life a living hell
    The pain was too intense, the fence too strong to break
    So you went to Germany, it was too much to take
    You came back broken hearted distracted by the dream
    The worlds collided now, college wasn’t what it seemed
    You went to back to Berlin to find yourself once more
    They broke down the door and found you lying on the floor
    I took the Amtrak up the coast, your mom met me at the station
    I went to see your house and photos of your graduation
    We drove to your grave, no tombstone where you lay
    Your freshmen yearbook’s by your bed and your room’s in disarray

    And I wish that you hadn’t done it
    Could have won it and moved on from it
    Now we’ll never grow old together
    But you’re in my memory, 23… 23.

    Lars: Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet a good friend of mine, this is Patrick Wood!
    Pat: What’s up Lars?
    Lars: What’s up Pat?
    Pat: How you doing man?
    Lars: Good. What do you think of me having my recording equipment take up three quarters of our small room in the Kimball dorm?
    Pat: It’s no problem man, I love you.
    Lars: I love you too Pat.
    Pat: Thanks Lars.
    Lars: Pat Wood! Hey that’s you.
    Pat: (Sarcastic laughter)

    And I wish that you hadn’t done it
    Could have won it and moved on from it
    Now we’ll never grow old together
    But you’re in my memory, 23… 23.

    Suicide sucks.

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