Amma, my teacher, arrived in New York yesterday and will be here today and tomorrow.
Thousands came to see her and I had the opportunity to spend some time close to her and also to ask her a couple of questions – about Andrew of course as well as something else – And assist while she gave Darshan.
To be around her is… I cannot describe it really, and in any case nobody’s experience is the same – not just about Amma, but life in general.
Yesterday I got angry with a security guard at the Manhattan center on 34th (between 8 & 9) where the programs are being held. Whatever the reason, I became hopping mad and after throwing a bunch of expletives at him I left him gob smacked standing there, and walked away with Jean-Pierre, a friend I hadn’t seen since last summer when Amma was last in New York, and Andrew was still alive and thriving.
The combination of getting angry and my friend suddenly appearing and taking me away in the midst of the altercation… well I stopped shouting and calling the guy a M… F… and started crying hysterically.
“You know, Esmeralda’,” Jean-Pierre said with his charming French accent. “The guy gave me trouble too.”
“I don’t give a shit about him,” I spat, the fire still smoldering in my belly. “He’s done me a favor actually. It was good to shout, it felt really good to let loose and swear.”
The release continued, but I stopped fighting and shouting and waving my arms around. I cried as I have only cried a few times since Andrew died, when the full horror of his death hits me like a fast shooting machine gun and the magnitude of the loss stared at my soul without mercy.
My friend took me to seat near Amma while she gave Darshan to the thousands who had come to see her.
Sitting near her, and basking in her energy of pure love, sob by sob I calmed down.
I am off now to the Manhattan Center for another day with my friends, my blessed teacher and all who come to see her.