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"Facebook Picture courtesy of google images"

Facebook Picture courtesy of google images

I didn’t sleep very well last night.

A combination of having to sleep with the noisy air conditioning window unit on and… Andrew.
Always Andrew, looking for him, hoping to see him, hoping to dream about him.

I still cannot believe that he has killed himself! I am still trying to get inside his head and see what he was thinking, how he felt and… stop him.

Thanks to Florentina who gave me access, last night I spent some time reading the comments that Andrew’s friends still write on his Facebook wall.

A friend of his who worked with him at a local restaurant wrote that she enjoyed working with him and that she was very sorry for arguing and squabbling with him sometime:
“It really bothers me,” she writes. “And I wanted to get it off my chest.”

“Every time I came home from college, I always thought – Good Old I….” one of Andrew’s best friends writes. “But now it is no longer good old I, not without you. I miss you big man”

“I think about you every day. I can’t believe that I can no longer call your cell or chat on-line. I am honored to have known you and to have been your friend. The world is not the same without you. RIP Handsome.”

“I wish I could push you into Zach’s pool one more time. You were so beautiful. RIP See you in Heaven”

“You taught me about Nutella and how to eat it. I’ve been eating it with a spoon (you would not approve I know) since I heard the news and now the jar is empty and you are still gone”

As for me, in the weeks after Andrew’s death, I lost 39 LB. But now I am like the girl with the Nutella, I can hardly stop eating. It is as though I try to silence the roaring monster inside me by shoving food in its mouth and I’ve padded myself against… whatever…

Rest In Peace Andrew , although with the racket we are all making here, I wonder how you can, but I know that you have powerful friends there.

We’ll be off soon for our few days away, and we still need to find someone to look after Zoe the cat, so I better get off my laptop and get busy elsewhere.

Love to everyone.

And… Andrew? When the time comes I’ll see you in Heaven 😉
Love,
Mummy

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3 thoughts on “Facebook

  1. Dear Esmeralda,
    Have been out of touch as my mum was ill. But funny enuff, it’s Nutella she wanted at Trader Joe’s. They don’t carry it. I thought maybe her friend from England got her started on it, as did mine, but she said no. Somewhere she traveled, they did a breakfast and she liked it.

    As I was in “the burbs” riding my bike round and round, old as I am, I was wracking my brains for an explanation to my lover’s death 34 years ago,my partner’s brother’s death seven years ago. Both were, to a greater extent, suicides. I thought I would find peace thinking they had chosen. But, in fact, there is never peace, because I will never thoroughly know or understand.

    So then I just wished them both peace, hoped I could do something with my life, and my current responsibilities, and was very glad for the dreams that give me a sense of still being in touch.

    Thank you for allowing this conversation.

    — On Sat, 7/10/10, Forever Invictus wrote:

  2. By the way, no explanation will ever satisfy me. So in the end it’s not a cause I want but a remedy. The only remedy could be to totally reverse.
    I’ve no advice, only a bit of commiseration. The only thing I learned through all of this is to keep on loving. Love does not die. That there is no peace, for me anyway, is somewhat alleviated by the fact that there is also no end to the places and people who need love, and to the demand for my supply of it–limited and failed though I am. Best to you and yours, Virginia

    • Dear friend, I’d like to hear the full story, won’t you share it with us? Please?
      Big hug, Esmeralda
      glad to hear again from you, I wondered where you were

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