Amma has gone to Toronto and I am back home.
Being with her and so many of my friends for the last few days has been healing.
The daily meditations with Amma and the Swamis, the daily Darshan… and more… have made me stronger.
I cried a lot as well, at one point I felt as though I would die from the pain of grief. Andrew’s loss is as immense as it was before and yet… I felt moments of Peace, real Peace.
I felt Andrew’s smile like a gentle ray of sun warming my heart, dancing on my skin.
Grief needs to be grieved. Like a baby who has to go through the birth canal to be born, so too grief has to “come out.”
Anything that disturbs our Peace has to come out. Holding on to it is detrimental to everyone.
“Sing your sadness out,” Doctor Weng said to me at the end of the retreat.
With many others I sang along with Swami Amritaswarupananda, then I started to cry.
“Don’t go there,” Doctor Weng said tapping me on my back. “Sing, sing… louder… raise your arms… open your heart, let it come out… yes… yes…”
For over an hour Mei Weng kept me singing, dancing and eventually I smiled, from my heart.
I danced with joy.
I felt Andrew’s loving smiles and giggles seeing his mother make a spectacle of herself waiving her arms about, jumping, singing her heart out… I felt his sadness and concern for me lift.
Dearest Andrew, my beloved child, hurry up to your place in Heaven.
Now that you have gone, leave this world fully behind.
My beautiful son, as I did when you were here, I want nothing but the best for you.
Don’t let my sorrow delay your journey, but please do keep a place for me near Alexander and you and keep shining your beautiful smile on me.
My darling Tigger smile for me until we see each other in Heaven,
Your loving Mummy for ever.
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