Alone In The Dark

I didn’t want to get up this morning.

Maybe when you relax you feel even more tired, and I do feel really tired today.

I haven’t slept well at night in the dark.
I toss and turn and check the time. I check the sky for signs of light, even a hint of the coming dawn will do.

Alone in the dark I am scared. Alone in the dark I can’t see Andrew.
I cannot embrace him, because to do so would mean delving into memories, pain, sorrow…
And I don’t want that, I don’t want to upset Andrew’s journey.
Now that he’s gone I want him to have Peace.
Peace and Love.


9 thoughts on “Alone In The Dark

  1. Perhaps his journey cannot begin until he is sure you are ok. It would be difficult for him to leave you in pain and walk away.
    I feel Andy is hovering near me at times..he seems to know that I need his help. I try hard to move forward, but I dont want to lose him. Selfish, maybe, but I need his presence to make my life bearable.
    I would send you some peace if I could, but I dont know what that is anymore. There is only getting thru each day, hoping the good memories can overtake the grizzly ones.
    Keep getting told I am strong, that I am doing ok, but its not ok, and I dont feel strong at all. I feel lost, alone and tho some days I can enjoy and laugh, the lost feeling is always there just beneath the surface. Andy was my reason for living. He was my world. You have been vascillating between forging ahead and falling back into grief…alot like me. Do you think this will ever get better? I am told by another survivor of 17 years that it does not.
    I put in a memory garden for him..was driven to see it done..and now it breaks my heart to look at it and wonder why the garden has to be a stand in for my son. Dammit, I want my son..I want to be with him. Loving my family, husband, in no way makes this easier.
    Sorry I am ranting tonite. I wish you sleep, and send you my love.

    • It is nice to hear from you, it is good to know (unfortunately) that there are others out there who know how it feels. And yet… what difference does it really make? Maybe seeing that others have walked the same road and made it? That is a help.
      I too feel Andrew’s presence, it feels so real that I am surprised I can’t reach out and pat him, hug him, play with his hair.
      But I know that we have to let them go, I want his peace and happiness more than I want mine. And knowing him at peace will help me too I know. And then one day we’ll meet in heaven, what a day that will be dear friend πŸ™‚

  2. Esmeralda I am sure you will get some sleep if you swim and walk (and drink) regularly. Sicily must have lots of energetic walks and excellent vino! Do I sound like a Dutch uncle?

    I see my son being one with the universe, especially nature. When I remember him it is as he was, marvelling at the sunsets and walking in the bush, not in a new existence. But that’s me, spurning gods and the afterlife.
    Here’s a poem that tries to convey that.

    Kauri dieback*

    My son was born on a Kauri table in ’77
    He died under the tall Kauris in ’07
    He left in a box of recycled Kauri
    Like my son the tall Kauris dieback

    * Kauri is a large native conifer that can grow well over 100 feet and can live for maybe a thousand years.
    Kauri dieback is the popular name for a viral disease that is killing kauri in increasing numbers.

    a hug

    • I love the poem, and I think you are as bad as me… he left in a box of recycled Kauri

      I walk on the sand, I look at the horizon from my favorite spot on the sandy beach (no tourists, just us – but I’ll you have a spot if you come πŸ˜‰ –
      let I’ve never been a vino person but I used to smoke until 4 and half years ago and I’ve never felt like having a cigarette as much as I have in the past couple of days, but Andrew would be so upset and disappointed with me, so I won’t even think about it, but unlike in the States, everybody smokes here and it lookes SO nice. and with a nice espresso to go with it… Nevermind.
      BTW, when the time comes (all in good time of course) I can wait to see your face in Heaven πŸ˜‰
      Will you buy me a drink for losing the bet?

  3. Yes he left in a Kauri box and now he sits with his ashes mingled with Kauri ashes on a Kauri sideboard next to the Kauri table he was born on.
    Drinkies in heaven. Better than smoking in hell.

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