I Am Sorry I Didn’t See The Sign

From what I have read and heard since Andrew died, I have realized that people think that it is the responsability of those in need to ask for help. Well, of course if I break a leg or something I am not going to sit around but I will do all I can to call for help. Broken leg, help is needed, pretty obvious, right? Right!
And whether you agree or not, I don’t think that it is so obvious to a suicidal person that help is needed AND avalaible.

And here are ac ouple of lines I have just written.

You valiantly fought by yourself because of your love for us, you thought we needed to be spared.

I am sorry I didn’t see any signs my darling.
It wasn’t up to you, but to us, to see and understand.
It wasn’t up to you, strained and stretched to the utmost trying to keep the dragons at bay, to call for help.
It should have been us who should have heard the silent cry for help.

I am proud of you, my warrior son. Be at Peace now my darling.

I love you, always.
Mummy xoxox


11 thoughts on “I Am Sorry I Didn’t See The Sign

  1. Yeah Esmeralda I agree. Our sons are warriors. They fought enemies others don’t even dream of.
    This personal responsibilty thing is just a copout. Its saying we are responsible as individuals and if we dont ask for help too bad. Its like they failed the performance review on the job.
    My son asked for help and didnt get enough but he couldnt say that. To say that would be to raise the pain threshold unbearably. He could’nt tell us he couldnt go on.
    So he chose to die. That’s why I was never for a second angry at him.
    These people who say this are not important. They are reflecting the old prohibition mentality that we have to change. Young people who lose friends and parents who lose children know the score so we need to rally these together and make suicide a household word instead of a dirty secret.
    a hug

  2. Just like Dave’s son and Denise’s brother (Denise of break-the-silence.org), my son asked for help and didn’t get enough help. I do still believe that those thinking of suicide should speak up and ask for help at the point where they may still have the capacity to do so. But if they do not, I don’t criticize them. Because as Dave said, the risk is one might not get enough help. My intelligent, creative, compassionate and determined son, tried multiple traditional, holistic, alternative, and religious “treatment interventions” and came to a suicide crisis point at least twice. He died during the second crisis. As a society, we are only beginning to try to understand mental illness, self-destructive behaviors (including suicide),
    and wellness. I believe self-destructive diseases belongs alongside the list of other diseases for which there is at this time no known cure and / or for which wellness practitioners can do little to ease the pain or address the
    symptoms. To me the help available is very iffy, gray, and trial and error–it may or may not help. But I have hope. And while there are macro and micro factors that contribute to suicide, I believe breaking the silence
    around suicide will save lives as we use what we do know to save some and keep seeking for how to live well as a society and keep seeking to understand the unique physiological and psychological micro causes. In the meantime we should not judge what we clearly do not understand. May our loved one rest in peace, may peace abide in those grieving, and may all seek for peace, compassion, and understanding…

  3. as always, i am blinded by your strength. it blocks out the sun with its vibrancy and valiance.

    it is hard to not wish, as someone who fights it all the time, that i knew you. it’s just as hard to wish that upon you.

  4. Why would someone who wants to kill himself look for someone to help him not kill himself? (Sorry for the odd sentence construction.)

    Did you ever go to the gym and run on a treadmill? I have and I usually can’t wait to get off the damn thing. I look at the people around me sweating and running and getting no where. Their eyes are zombie like, their facial expressions frozen.

    So I get on and after about two minutes think, “This is a terrible idea.” And I look at someone to my left who has a perfect, fatless, muscular body and I think, “Well, I will never look like that.” And then I look at the fat lady on my left- who also is not having a very good time – and I think, “Well, lots of good this is doing you. You just look fat AND sweaty.” And then I look around at all the other people, and they don’t look like they are having a good time, either.

    Now, at that moment do I want some stranger or friend urging me to keep running? No. Perhaps if someone really gorgeous offered to have sex with me or take me to Paris, or both, on the condition that I ran another ten minutes, then I might stay on it. But that doesn’t happen. Sigh.

    Sometimes there is something vaguely interesting on the TV screen in front of me so I will stay on until that is over.

    Life is like that sometimes.

    And sometimes: Basta. I want to get off. I want to turn off the machine and go home.

    If I had a movie role where I was going to be shirtless for millions of strangers to look at me and scrutinize me and maybe fantasize over me, I might stay on the treadmill a little longer and throw away the ice cream in the freezer. But, right now I am sitting alone on the summer day with my shirt off, and the movie producers are not knocking on my door. Yesterday morning someone knocked on my door. It was two Jehovah Witnesses.

    And so it goes on the treadmill of life.

  5. Esmeralda,
    You have all the wise responses here, right here, that you should ever consider. You can just continue to meditate on them and try to shield yourself from ignorance. Right here, a new, educated awareness about death caused by suicide is being born. Still the questions when you can and breathe in these knowing answers. You have gone to the survivors to get the answers and by sharing your own story, have found so much for all of us. Thank you Esmeralda, and may I dare say–thank you Andrew?
    I still continue to follow your travels.

    • Andrew is the engine, no question about it. I thank Andrew too for all he has given, for all he is giving.
      Nice to hear from you again and thank you for following my travels.
      Love, Esmeralda

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