Ten Months Yesterday

"Andrew flying kites with his Aunt in England" - July 2005

Andrew flying kites with his Aunt in England - July 2005

Andrew died ten month ago yesterday. In two months Andrew will have been dead one year.

One Year.

I don’t know what it is, but the thought of this one year thing is… awful!

Even though Andrew is already dead, I feel that as the first year anniversary (what a weird word for something like this) approaches, time is running out for Andrew, and for me, again.

To be able to turn around in time and see, and say, that this time last year Andrew was still with us is as though some of Andrew’s life has not been extinguished.

Am I crazy? Andrew is dead isn’t he? How much more dead can he be in two months time?

He is still vivid in my mind, but will he, as time passes, fade from inside me too? Will memories of him, like old photographs, lose sharpness and details?

I can’t bear it! I beg you, time, don’t do this to my memories of my son, it’s all I’ve got!

It is so hard without you. Please come back my darling, please come back.

6 thoughts on “Ten Months Yesterday

  1. Esmeralda,
    For what its worth here’s my experience I hope not too cliche ridden.
    I found the fear of losing the memories was big in that first year. No matter how irrational it seems you can’t avoid the one year anniversary. We had a gathering of friends and it is helpful to see that they havnt forgotten either.
    In NZ the Maori people have a dedication one year after the death. I am sure other cultures do to. Its like a social recognition of death as part of life. Of course it doesnt quite work like that for suicides because we don’t accept it as so.
    I found the fear of forgetting gets less because you realise that you can’t forget, no way! The remembering is not as vivid but sometimes its like it was yesterday. For example if I hear music that reminds me of Bruno I find that tough. Or read his writing. I havnt opened his photo album which I have yet to get beyond the age of 8 since April and I will probably wait until his next birthday to finish it.
    Its just as well that time eases the pain, if we had to live with the immediate memory and pain still fresh how could we survive? We couldnt.
    a big hug

      • Yes you do. Youve got the 18th coming up and then 3rd November.
        What we did was invite our closest friends and family to the house were we spoke about Bruno. In fact we chose the day, Wednesday, rather than the date, 27 January, which was Thursday, mainly because it was full moon, and I am am sufficiently scientific to know that the full moon has an effect on our emotions. I liked to think that Bruno died in synch with the moon as part of his love of nature.
        I am sure that you will give Andrew a beautiful anniversary.

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