Get Your Wellness On Because Today Is The Day Of The Fair

I have been tossing and turning all night because I am still sick and because today is the day of the Fair!
I hardly believe it.

Last night I met in person for the first time the group of people who have rallied to my call and have helped me put this thing together.
Self conscious I walked to Alexander Holley Plaza, Washington Square Park; sitting on a bench, with her younger brother, was Rayo. I recognized her because a few months ago she had sent me a picture of herself. Smiling I walked toward her; when she saw me she too broke into a smile, stood up from the bench, took the remaining steps toward me and we hugged.
How many times I had ended my emails to her and the others I was about to meet with “hugs”, now we were hugging for real. Reluctantly at first, Rayo had been my first volunteer recruit. I was so proud to have her here with me, ready to stand shoulder to shoulder at our Suicide Awareness & Prevention Fair.
You see, up until now, Rayo had not been comfortable talking openly about the fact that her beloved son Michael, had by suicide. Not many people in her community knew, and now, here she was, wearing a Break-The- Silence wrist band for all the world to see.
We sat for a moment, not sure what to say in person that we hadn’t already said to each other by email.

“I’m still not sure where to put the alternative healing area,” I said after a moment of silence.

“There is nobody on the grass,” I continued, “And I was counting on being able to spread out onto the grass. I wonder what those signs say. Let’s go and take a look,” I suggested.
To my relief the notices said that the grass had been watered and to keep off until that night, which meant that come today, we can go on the grass.
Rayo, my husband and I were walking this way and that trying to decide where to put the tent that would serve as the base for the alternative healing team, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to see an attractive, smiling face looking at me.
“Debra?” I said.
“Susan,” she said.
“Oh Susan, from Seattle. This is Susan from Seattle” I said to the others before Susan and I hugged.
It is a bit strange when people know what you look like while you don’t know what they look like.
Then Melissa came, she looked younger in person than in her Facebook picture.
Brilliant girl, she’s been my right hand putting this whole thing together, and here she was, standing in front of me for the first time since we “met.”
I wanted Hugh to take pictures, but of course after standing for a while waiting for the camera to click, we discovered that the memory card was full.
“There will be a professional photographer tomorrow, I said, putting the camera back in my handbag.
We waited and waited for Debra and Jenna to arrive, but in the end we decided to make our way to the restaurant, and there they were.
Debra too has been of enormous practical help, and over the course of many emails I got an idea of her sense of humor and light personality.
Then Akil, one of my daughter’s best friends and a gifted rapper, arrived and our group, that is, the group getting together last night, was complete.
Sitting toward one end of the table, I kept looking around at everybody, amazed that these women had jumped on a plane to be physically present at the Fair with me.

Okay to be continued, I have to get up now, shower and get dressed because guess what, we have a Fair today, the very first: Get Your Wellness On – Suicide Awareness & Prevention Fair.
But before that, with Dr. Weng who arrives this morning from California, and a small group that includes a student who was greatly affected by Andrew’s death and the University’s shove-it-under-the-carpet attitude, are going to Bobst, where Andrew died.
We will go up to the floor from where he jumped and pray. Pray for him, my beloved son, and for the others who preceded him. We will pray also that the preying energy of death leaves the place.

If I am compos mentis I will write tomorrow and let you know how it all went.

A presto,


6 thoughts on “Get Your Wellness On Because Today Is The Day Of The Fair

  1. I have yet to have the time to write down my reflections about the Fair. I flew home the very next day. It’s still just amazing to me that it really happened and that I actually flew across half an ocean and an entire continent to be there. Just as my son’s death on November 11, 2008 marked a epic lifechange that redefines who I am, September 18, 2010 to a lesser degree is also a lifechange marker that I have yet to discover its redefining effects. Of the many things I will remember about the Fair, one instant comes to mind first whenever I reflect and that was catching a glimpse of Esmeralda participating in the fencing and hoopnotica demonstrations and seeing her broad smile. Knowing that as a survivor she will have the beautiful experiences of the Fair forever in her memory as every year she approaches that dreadful anniversary date. Thank you to
    Esmeralda who envisioned the Fair and thank you to all who made the
    vision reality. Aloha~

    • What should I call you now?
      By the way, Shannon took an amazing picture of your brother and you. I asked her to send it to you, I hope she has. Your brother has his arm around your shoulder and is looking at you. The emotions between you two ooze from the picture.
      When you were there it seemed so natural, it’s as we all belonged together, at least that’s how I felt. And that we were together seemed just right.
      One of the things that made me smile was seeing your brother fence and sitting for reiki, seeing you, Susan, Debra, all go for healing, all doing something or just watching. There is a beautiful picture of Debra with a big smile on her face posing with Tim and Daria. I loved so may thing about the day, and of course knowing that we had saved a life, and brought many, many smiles on people’s faces. Even your brother looked different by the end. I want to set the date for next year.
      Okay, bye for now, see you tomorrow 😉

  2. I am writing in hopes of reaching Esmaralda.I cant imagine how busy you must be now after launching “get your wellness on”.I am in awe of what you have done,and you,in such a short time after the passing of your beloved son.See,Esmaralda…I am or was?? a devottee of Amma.For 7 years prior to the death of my own beloved son Alex 17 who would be 20 now had he not died by suicide.My baby boy,a month away from his 18th birthday,and four months befour graduating high school,and just 25 days after the birth of my daughters first child that she deliverd while living back home with me,Alex’s godson,my baby boy hung himself from a water tower tank on top of the most beautiful hill covered in orange poppies,with the sounds of birds and the sun light everywhere,where the sky was so close that you feel as if you are touching it,which I can not imagine in that setting,God,or mother wasnt there to grab hold of him?and just four months eariler Alex had recieved Darshan from Mother..where I had said..mother help me,my son he has attempted suicide once before,please help!and letting go of mother,I believed for certain that nothing could or would ever happen to him,and I supose I let my gaurd down..the idea that Alex would ever try again was washed from my mind because I believed that who ever touches mother was healed..I realise now that I should have never thought that just asking once is all it would take,but that perhaps a constant prayer for his life is what I should have been doing of course!!(mother did say..”watch him” and I believed that I was.But my son,was such a happy boy,beautiful and popular,talented and loved beyong measure.Who never spent time in depression or days away from friends,or family…never did he stop me and say..Mom!I just want to me.Are time together was always spent in so much happiness to be together!We were always laughing..he never said how sad he was to me.He sometimes would say that he dreamed that he had died,and was happy.and my reply was..Alex if you ever died,I would die to..if you committed suicide so would I,and his siter would also say the same thing..can you imagine what a stupid thing to say??I didnt grab him,as I would now,and say..Live Alex no matter what,I Love you more then life..which this he already knew..that I loved him more then any person I had ever known,he was such an amazing being,and everyone who knew him felt this way around him.I am writing to you now because I have lost my way.How did you find the strength to do what you are doing?From the moment Alex died.I emailed Guamrite from the S.F. satsang where I live and belonged..a casual visitor because I cant sing at all,but loved to be in there presence.Guamrite did the most amazing thing.For six months everyday she said the 1008 names of Amma for Alex with out stop.Because I could not pray at all.The news of Alexs death shocked me to the core,like a fast moving train had hit me,but I was still standing.I was sedated with mediaction strong enough to kill an elephant for 8 months..during all of this and all the way until the last summer tour I have attended Amma’s retreats by the grace of a devottoo names Patty.who paid for me to come.There have been a handful of the most amazing women that have brought me to the feet of our beloved mother..Amaila and her two daughters put together a donation for my granson and he was fed by mother.These few women have been so loving.But the thing is..that right from the beginng..the subject of suicide..this was not what any one wanted to hear.I was told that..I was there now and should only be focusing on Amma..which is true,but I was shattered inside,confussed,devasted.I treid to act normal..but I was pretty much a basket case of nerves,I guess.I was told by some devottees that I just wasnt spiritual enough or i would be over his death and on to the fact that he was going to be reborn..I was told by devottees that it was very negative of me to mention the suicide at Amma’s it was so negative,an energy that was not o.k. to talk about..I wasnt going around sreaming about suicide,but I did talk about it,if some one asked,that had heard.Or if I was struggeling,there were women who reached out to my grief.But what I am talking about is how on earth did you get to where you are?For me suicide was not a subject that any one would talk about..people tyed me,and people scoled that it was my karma that Alex had died that way.My son was so full of light..its just not possiable that this karma would be is fate.I tried to force my self into seva,and i did for the first year or so..but my heart was so filled with sorrow that when I was at mothers and with all the other mothers and their children,Amma’s beloved children,boys Alexs age..there where he should be.made me very sad.I was volunteering as a greeter something I had done years before..I was very happy to be a greeter,it was holding me togteher.One night my whole family was to attend Amma,a difficult night as our family was in crisis over Alex’s death.My brother who has a handicap was coming with his wife for the first time with his wife and baby,along with my mother.To the last devi Bava.I had spoken a head to the special needs volunteers about seating..I was still greeting and doing my seva,when they closed the gate..the head of the greeting staff would not let my family in,and I snaped at her..they have seats i said!I snaped at her like a women desperate from loosing a child..not in angry, a mother desperate for mother healing upon my family.She spoke to another women in side..and long story short they would not seat my family at all.My brother could hardly stand and his wife with the baby being pushed around just wanted to leave before Darshan..and I was so deperate for them to recieve Darshan..I said to the women..Amma would not be happy that you are doing this..but she just kept saying..I am sorry we cant seat you shaking her head..the next day I apoligised to both women,crying..I am sory that i had an out burst..the women head of the greeting took my name off of the volunteer list,and said that she believed I would it be best that I did seva in the flower tent.My whole point in writing this part to you,is that looking back..and meeting other mothers who have lost children to suicide,the way I was reactinmg was normal..but I was treated like I was a freak.By women who have been devottees for years and years treated me like I was worthless,and a failer even at Amma’s.I with drew from Amma,in shame.I thought very hard about killing myself after the way these women treated me.I felt such shame,and insecurity.I thought that I had done something so wrong to have had a son who committed suicide.And that was the way that most people reacted to I was damaged and not in favor of mothers love.I went back a time later 6 months where I never said a word about being sad,I pretnded that I was fine and over the death of my son..and these women said..good now you seem so much better.But I tell you..I wasnt acting like some freak..I was just a mother in grief over the shock of loosing my son to suicide and trying to hold on to my faith.I left Amma’s last time with the most amazing Darshan.Mother kissd my cheack and touched my forhead and then hugged me again.And I thought,well now Mother has giving me so much,I just wont go back to the ashram again..and I havent.I have stayed on my own in shame and silence..I just stoped praying altogther and saying my mantra,wondering where on earth do freaks lkke me go??I found my way to a suicide prevention walk,and for the first time felt o.k.tomorrow i will be doing my first workshop…I am just getting involved with “doing and breaking the silence..just a bit”when I walked the first walk two women from Amma donated money for my walk and then by grace after the walk you did your whole wellness healing,and I was sent the information.I am just so suprised that devottees and Amma’s blessings are surounded by this issue,when for me no one would tolarate the mention of it with out queting me..reminding are at Amma’s it is not o.k. to talk about suicide here.Being silent!!was the proof that I was now o.k.and pherpas suited for seva..I wish I could send you a picture of my son,and myself and if you could tell me if you think I am a freak??I know I have written way too much..but if you could tell me just one thing..Mother is coming any time in Castro Valley,but it brings nothing but sorrow and pain to my memory of holding in the grief and trying to smile..and I did smile..and i kept saying oh I am so so sorry for talking..I will get better..I lost my son and my Amma..because of this haved you been able to get bring awareness to this subject??I have so many things to say in regaurds to this son is lkke so many kids now where it is an emotinal break down of their immunsystem..for some reason the idea of living has lost its value,and dieing just doesnt seem like such a bad idea..I ask you.where is the darkenss in that?why cant people reach out in comapssion and say..I hear you.but lets find a reason to live togther..thats all my son needed..we went the route of theripy where they wanted to silence his voice with pills and when we would not allow him to take drugs the theripist began to doubt my son..its too long of story to tell after all I have written..actually its not that long..we reacted in fear..and Alex pretended he was fine..and I just dont want that to happen to other child..or another mother.who like myself the shame of not saving my baby,has caused me to want nothing else but to die..because the burden has been so heavy to keep it silent.I have wrote to much,and you are probabbly mever going to reciece this..I am not always at my computor on the weekend but I will look any way.Forgive all the rambeling..its just been hiden in my heart for so long.Thank you,just the same for this place to write even if you dont get it..I was once so full of love for God so strong..I always believed that faith would see me through anything..I never thought that my faith in Amma and the reactions of devottees could cause me to just wish I was dead..instead of carring this stigma..My Alex was so far from negative,the love we shared was so pure,but has turned into something I can not comprhend any more alone.With all my Love to you,always Lisa~Alex’s mommy xoxoxoxoxox

    • Dearest Lisa Marie, thank you so much for taking the time to write and share your thoughts and anguish with me.
      Dearest Sister, dearest Alex Mummy!
      I cannot speak for anyone other than myself, so I don’t know why you had the experience you did.
      I saw Amma twenty days after Andrew died, and She told me to work in the area of suicide.
      It is true that She also says that we have to move forward, so that our loved one can also move forward, but She knows our grief, She knows we need time to grieve.
      Please try to let go of all that has happened that causes you even more anguish, easier said than done I know, but it is the only thing that will help us, and we have to find a way. And don’t worry, just be you, let yourself be you and imagine you being your own child and hold yourself lovingly and tenderly in your own loving arms. And Alex too.
      I know your pain, suicide SUCKS. Still, we have to go on, possibly turn the terrible tragedy into light. Our time will come, but not before then can we stop our work.
      You are in my heart and in my prayers as I know you are in Amma’s. Go to Her, tell Her how you feel. Find Swamiji, talk to him.
      I do hope that sometime we will meet.
      Be at Peace dear sister, Om Lokah, Samasta, Sukino Bhavantu. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti-hi
      Esmeralda and Andrew xoxox

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s