More Memories

Andrew with his friend Eric, at Andrew's High School graduation - June 2007

My lovely Andrew with his friend Eric, at Andrew's High School graduation - June 2007


And yes "Andrew, you were taller than me"

And yes Andrew, you were taller than me

This morning I feel as if I’ve been run over by a truck. My head is foggy and my body aches.
As far as my body aching though, it is my own fault. Because that is what happens when you don’t exercise for months on end. What am I saying exercise? Since Andrew died, apart from the three, yes, three yoga classes, and about six walks with my friend Terry (and that is only because she literally dragged me out of the house, even when it was raining once) I spent eight months at home.
And a great part of those eight months, I spent sitting up in bed writing, staring out of the window, crying until the skin around my eyes and nose was swollen and raw like blisters. So, given all that, I suppose that it is no surprise that I am badly out of shape.
And, Gosh, I would love a massage right now, I am sure it would help.

I am foggy because last night I couldn’t sleep, even with my normal medications and the sleeping pill that I took at two o’clock in the morning, I slept fitfully and was awake again at five.

What’s on my mind? Lots!
This time last year I launched this blog, at the time a journal of my exploration of the workings of the Law of Attraction.
Hugh was in England visiting his mother, and I had been working all day setting up the blog. Let me stop here for a moment, to thank my daughter’s friend and one of my many adopted children, Frank, for holding my hand through the process. When the blog was up I spent hours sending the link to everyone on my mailing list and setting up a twitter account, as directed by Frank.
With all this work and my writing to keep up with, I thought that going out for dinner would be a nice treat, so I called Andrew.

“Tiggy? I was thinking of going to the Outback for dinner tonight with Robert, do you want to join us? I’ll drive you back to the City afterwards if that helps.”
“Hm,” he said. “Sounds nice. Let me see how far I get with my work for tomorrow’s class and I’ll give you a call in a while.”

A little later he called to say that he was making his way to Grand Central and would arrive on the 4:06.
“Great darling. I’ll be there, can’t wait to see you.”

I was driving along Broadway, on my way to the station, when my cell phone rang, it was Tigger, he had arrived.
“I am on Broadway Tigs, I’ll be there in two minutes.”

In the town where I live, our Main Street is on a hill that runs all the way down to the station and the Hudson River. Once half way down Main Street, I could see him standing outside the station, his Australian DRIZA-BONE oil-skin hat on his head, a big smile on his gorgeous face, just seeing him made me feel all warm and happy inside.
“Hello little Mumsy,” he said, getting into the car. “Thanks for picking me up,” always so polite. Of course there’d be no question that I’d pick him up from the station. Still, Andrew’s, indeed all my children’s manners bring great joy and pride to my heart.

Once we got home, Andrew called his friend Eric who happened to be home from university that week-end and they spent a couple of happy hours playing Warcraft together at my house.

“Nice to see you Mrs. Williamson-Noble,” Eric said to me on his way out, I looked up from my laptop and smiled at him. “Bye Andrew, see you and the rest of the gang at Thanksgiving,” he said and left, Andrew closed the door behind him.

That was the last time that Eric and Andrew saw each other.

The next time Eric saw Andrew again, it was at the funeral parlour where he and all of Andrew’s friends came to bid their tearful farewell to their fallen friend, my beautiful Andrew, lying dead in his casket.

I am sorry, I can’t finish this post right now. I can’t write anymore…. I am going for a walk, maybe the fresh air will hep.

Esmeralda

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8 thoughts on “More Memories

  1. Hi E,
    I am struggling today too for some reason. Some days are just so hard..I want nothing but to join Andy. Have to leave for a Dr appt soon…seems my blood pressure is getting very high. Having lost him and my mom this summer, i guess the stress just gets to me. dont know.
    I am reading ‘channeling erik’ daily now. it help to connect with other survivors. keeps me from sobbing all day. after 13 months, you think this would get easier..but it hasnt lessened a bit. maybe i should do as you..and go for a walk. i need to shake myself out of this, if even for a little while.
    think about you often. just wanted to let you know.
    love and hugs to you.

    • Oh Sweetheart… I am sorry, what a sad, sad group we are. I do think of you too and I am grateful that you stay in touch. When the time is right, you will join your Andy.
      Did you check out the site I told you about? Big, big hug Iola, hung in there with me. Esmeralda xoxox

  2. I have never tried meditation, or yoga. Perhaps it would help, but my mind is always chock full of busy..racing some days. its hard..and i have avoided brave lately. just dont have it in me. takes everything just to get thru work and another days useless energy spent.
    I am hoping to find contact with Andrew thru Erik. It gives me hope, and thats a good thing, yes?
    Keep blogging..you help us all more than you know. Hugs

    • Yes, keep blogging Esmeralda, my friend…how eloquently you express the thoughts and feelings of your heart and mind resonates with those who jouney through survivor of suicide grief.

      Iola, I am sorry for the loss of your son to suicide (?)…do try meditation or prayer or yoga or walking. Make it a gift of time to your wellness. It will relax the business of your mind. Promise 🙂 I really enjoyed Jenna’s Tai Chi mini-session at the GYWO Fair. I am blessed to live close to the ocean and my best days include a walk on the beach. I am reading a book called Chi Running and trying to learn how. (The same author also wrote a book called Chi Walking.) During Year 1 I came across a book called Heart Math (for Depression). There are other books for Anxiety and Anger. HeartMath helped me more than the anti-depression medication the doctor prescribed. We need peacefulness in our lives… Wishing both of you peace…

    • Hung in there darling, unlike our boys, we know that it can get better, it will get better. And more than that Iola, we can make a difference, we can turn our boys death into a beacon of light. Come on Sweetheart. By the way, why don’t you share your story on the blog? I thought you like writing. Big hugs, Esmeralda

  3. Look at the hugs Andrew is giving to his friend (((Eric))) and his sister, (((Florentina)))! There is something so amazing and healing with human love conveyed through caring contact like hugs… ((((hugs))))

    One of the things my son’s spiritual leader, who only knew him a few short months, said he will remember about him is the hugs he gave.

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