Your Loving Dizzy

Duct tape cat's hat

Duct tape cat's hat

Andrew, Florentina & Robert - "Windflower Ball 2004 - Rainbow Room - Rockefeller Center, NY"

Andrew, Florentina & Robert - Windflower Ball 2004 - Rainbow Room - Rockefeller Center, NY

I don’t like clutter. I like my space to be clean, tidy and peaceful. That applies to my computer too.
Before Andrew died, for instance, I used to regularly delete emails after reading them, unless, of course, I had a reason for keeping them.
Thus, to my lasting sorrow, I don’t have many emails from Andrew, although I was able to retrieve a couple from his computer, which one of his close friends, a true computer geek, hacked into, for us.
I was going through those emails yesterday, and as it happened, exactly one year ago yesterday, Andrew and I emailed each other.
To be more precise I should say that I emailed him, and he responded.

“Tigger,” I asked. “What are the full names of your guests at the Ball, so that I can have them added to the list?”

“Dizz,” he replied, using one of my nicknames, and gave me the names.

It reminded me that during the last year of his life, Andrew had taken to calling me Dizz, Dizzpops or Dizzy, Mummy, only occasionally.
Just by the way he said it, I could tell if Dizzy meant ” Mummy? can you give me a massage?”, or “Mummy? You can play with my hair if you want to,” or ” Mummy? don’t you think that tea would be nice now?”
I could also tell, if he was annoyed with me, or if he thought I was being funny or silly or helplessly hopeless with my computer… Gosh! We were so close, I really thought I knew that boy!

Anyway… yes, computers. I remember how strongly Andrew felt that people with Apples were snobs.
So, whenever I’d get stuck with some application or other, he would take the opportunity of reminding me that if instead of having an Apple laptop, I had a PC, he would be able to help me and what’s more, I probably wouldn’t have the problem in the first place.

Well Darling Andrew, I love you more than I can say, but I’ll still choose an Apple over a PC, anytime! Elizabeth’s PC just crashed, even though she has all these firewalls, and Norton and you name it.

The ultra brief email exchange I mentioned above, reminds me that the Windflower Ball, now called: First Candle Charity Ball, is coming up on the 28 of the month. I cannot believe that he will not be there with us, as he had been, ever since he was ten years-old. I don’t see how I will be able to make it, greet people, give a short speech maybe. I feel wretched and miserable just thinking about it.

The first time that Andrew came to the Ball, it was held at the Racquet & Tennis Club on Park Avenue.
To keep him busy while I greeted people as they arrived, I gave him the job of keeping truck of the silent auction. Every now and then, while I was talking to someone, I would feel a tug on my sleeve, looking down I would see Andrew’s sweet, serious face looking up at me, wanting to give me a report.

He was so cute in his little tuxedo and bow tie.

At one point during the evening I saw him surrounded by a group of men, intently listening to him. Alas, I don’t remember what the subject of the conversation was, but many people came up to me that evening, telling me how charming my little boy was. As the years passed, it was older women who came up to me to say how handsome my son was.

Yes, he was handsome, very handsome! And smart, sweet, sensitive, deep, creative, loving, generous, polite, respectful, patient, sophisticated, compassionate, loyal, well read, well traveled, insatiably curious, knowledgable on an amazing array of topics and more.
He had a funny book about all the things one could do with duct tape, yes duct tape!
And he used to go through rolls of the stuff doing all sort sorts of funny things with duct tape, including, but not limited to, sticking it on my back without my noticing. What can I say, children!

I just saw a a beautiful dragon fly pass by my window, I think it’s him saying hi.

And hi back to you Tigger. Oh, and, Tigs? Robert just bought two big rolls of duct tapes, one green and one black. I only thought it came in grey…

Bye sweetheart, bye…
Your loving Dizzy

2 thoughts on “Your Loving Dizzy

  1. What I love about your blog is that even though it has the overarching theme of a survivor’s reflective journal, it is different every day. One day you read and think awe, that’s so sweet. Another day you ache and cry. Still another you feel called to take up arms to fight the dark foe of suicide. Then there’s Bruno, pictures, Get Your Wellness On, information, …
    Write on, my friend….

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