Eleven Days Left

"Andrew" and his room-mate and RA, Zack, in the elevator - October 22, 2009

Andrew and his room-mate and RA, Zack, in the elevator - October 22, 2009


Frank, Zack & "Andrew"

Frank, Zack & Andrew


During the dinner

During the dinner


"Florentina & Andrew"

Florentina & Andrew


Robert, Florentina & Andrew

Robert, Florentina & Andrew

When these pictures were taken, one year ago today, I had NO idea that eleven days later, Andrew would be dead.

I had no idea that after this day, I would only see my son alive one more time.

These days I have no patience posing for pictures, and to my bitter regret, there are no pictures of Andrew and me taken that evening, that I know of.

But any of you looking at these pictures, do you see anything I didn’t see?

Oh my Darling Andrew!

When you were little I kept you from putting your fingers inside electrical outlets.

I kept you from burning your hand in the fire.

I kept you away from knives.

I held your hand firmly when crossing the road.

I never let you go near windows on your own.

I did everything to keep you safe when you were little.

When you decided to jump in that wretched library, did you think it through?

Did you think beyond getting over the barrier?
Did you not realize, that once you let go, you’d crash down and smash your body on the marble floor below?
Did you think that you could just pick yourself up and walk away limping?

What were you thinking my love? What were you thinking, my sweet, irreplaceable child?

How could have I been sleeping when you were dying?

Oh Dear Lord…

My husband and I - Blissfully unaware - "Andrew" was sitting two chairs away from me

My husband and I - Blissfully unaware - Andrew was sitting two chairs away from me

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8 thoughts on “Eleven Days Left

  1. Hi E,
    Having just passed the anniversay of Andy’s death, I found myself counting minutes, watching the clock, dreading it. As it drew closer, I became more panic stricken, more tense, more anxious than I had been for some time. I remained in such a funk that Matthew, my husband took the day off work too…I think in part to watch over me. How pathetic i must seem to everyone. The day came, the exact moment, one year later. My heart could not break all over again, as it is still in pieces from last Sept 21st. I felt antsy..not able to sit still, not able to take a deep breath and relax. My mood remained for several weeks.
    Why..I ask, over and over. What did I not do that I should have…How could he leave me here? There is no voice filling my head with answers. They will come when it is time for them to come, but dammit, this hurts so very much.
    A woman told me 2 weeks after Drew had died, that her son had died at 17..over 12 years ago. “It doesnt get any better” she told me. At the time, it scared the hell out of me, but she was correct. It doesnt change, get better, go away to some deep part of my soul. Its always right up front..screaming at me..daily, hourly.
    Someday we will have our answers. I begin to think this was meant to be, that i will only understand it fully when I join him again. Andrew is out of the struggle, out of pain, and happy. That keeps me moving on when I do not want to. he is happy..at peace.
    So the pain is really alot of selfishness on my part…I want him here..I want him safe in my arms. But he would be miserable. I need to focus on his happiness, his peace…mine will come when I join him. And in the meantime, I am needed by those I love and who love me ..so…
    I am rambling…but hold on tight, E. You are never alone. wish I could reach thru cable wires and hold you thru your day. you keep me going some days, so i eant to return the blessing of you. Love to you all

    • Dear Iola, I am glad that you have somehow survived the 21st. It is so sweet that in the midst of your own painful sorrow, you can still reach out to me, to others.
      We are a strong and healthy, even if wounded, community. We do have each other, it is a consolation, and even through cyber space I feel your hug, and I hope you feel mine.
      As for not getting any better, how can one generalize? I have met many survivors who are feeling better even whilst feeling the loss.
      You know, we are all different, we each travel and move at our own pace, our road is not straight and narrow and we’ll each find our own way to get there, but there we’ll get!
      In the meantime scream, scream, smash a few things if you like (make sure no one is in the way though, you wouldn’t want to hit someone on the head by accident)
      Hey, you know something? You have just given me an idea: NATIONAL SCREAMING DAY – How does that sound? Can you imagine if we could get all the suicide survivors in the States to scream at the same time? That would raise the volume and give us voice. How about you take this little project on? I’ll help you 😉
      How you feeling now? A bit better? Lots of love Iola, your friend, Esmeralda xoxox

    • Dear Debra, you are sweet and tender too, and I am fortunate to have you as friend and supporter. God bless You. Esmeralda

  2. I hope one day you can hold it all. Never forget but hold it. All of it. Joy, sorrow, love , life, light and on and on , all together. Lots and lots of love.

    Prabuddh

  3. Hi E,
    I like the idea of a screaming day..or even a scream moment….at midnite..in the midst of the town square..we can let loose our howl of pain. So many we are losing…such a heartbreak. Will be thinking of you next week…do most days.

    • So, let’s get organized. But I don’t think that midnight would work, do you? I don’t think they’d give us the sound permit unfortunately 😉

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