Shortly before my 10th wedding anniversary, my seven and half month-old baby twin, Alexander, died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Nevertheless we went out to lunch on the day of our anniversary.
I remember the tears literally spilling out of my eyes and onto my plate, but not what I ate.
Today is my 25th wedding anniversary. Today is Halloween.
A year ago today, Andrew and I spoke several times on the phone. About Halloween parties, and costumes and make-up and could I buy him a pair of soft leather gloves:
“Large or extra-large?”
Looking back at that day twenty-five years ago, starry eyed I saw children and happily ever after.
These past couple of weeks I have been… I have felt like a cornered animal. Desperate to escape, lashing out and spitting fire like a dragon at the slightest provocation.
Last year I welcomed the winter that kept me house bound, and resented every new blade of grass and flower blossom. Now I dread the winter ahead.
Oh Andrew… please… don’t die all over again.
When I wake up on November third, please don’t let it be to a phone call telling me that you are dead.