25th Wedding Anniversary On Halloween

October 28, 2010 - "SIDS Activist - SIDS Fundraiser" with my beloved friend Joshua Stillman, the attending physician when Alexander died

October 28, 2010 -SIDS Activist - SIDS Fundraiser with my beloved friend Joshua Stillman, the attending physician when Alexander died

With darling "Tim Morehouse" who helped raise a lot of money at the live auction - Tim we love you - Good luck in Paris with the world championship

With darling Tim Morehouse who helped raise a lot of money at the live auction - Tim we love you - Good luck in Paris with the world championship

Shortly before my 10th wedding anniversary, my seven and half month-old baby twin, Alexander, died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Nevertheless we went out to lunch on the day of our anniversary.
I remember the tears literally spilling out of my eyes and onto my plate, but not what I ate.

Today is my 25th wedding anniversary. Today is Halloween.

A year ago today, Andrew and I spoke several times on the phone. About Halloween parties, and costumes and make-up and could I buy him a pair of soft leather gloves:

“Black please.”
“Large or extra-large?”

Looking back at that day twenty-five years ago, starry eyed I saw children and happily ever after.

These past couple of weeks I have been… I have felt like a cornered animal. Desperate to escape, lashing out and spitting fire like a dragon at the slightest provocation.

Last year I welcomed the winter that kept me house bound, and resented every new blade of grass and flower blossom. Now I dread the winter ahead.

Oh Andrew… please… don’t die all over again.

When I wake up on November third, please don’t let it be to a phone call telling me that you are dead.

Oct. 24 - "Suicide Activist"

Oct. 24 - Suicide Activist

At the Living Proof Concert

At the Living Proof Concert

6 thoughts on “25th Wedding Anniversary On Halloween

  1. Hey Esmeralda,
    not the best of times, but I wish you a happy 25th. I watch as Nov creeps closer, knowing how well I responded to Sept 21st. It used to be my wedding anniversay..now it is the day my music died.I pray you will get thru the day, not unscathed, but with good memories too. We did not have them long enough, but we did have them. They are special souls, bright and precious..and they are ours forever. Not even death can take them from us.
    I have been at the channelingerik.com site alot lately. Elisa lost her son last Oct. I am following her posts, and can tell you that her son, Erik has been to see me. I am hopeful for the first time in over a year. If Andy can reach out to me here..I will find some peace..at least until I can be with him again.
    I am rambling. I really just wanted yo tell you that I am here for you. I feel your pain, and want you to know that whatever you need, I am here. Love to you all.

    • Hello Iola. I am still here. Thank you for your sweet words.
      I am curious to know what you mean when you sat that Erik has been to see you? Have you asked Elisa for a reading?
      I have her email, let me know. Lots of love, Esmeralda

      • Hi again,
        I posted a request under ask erik on the site, and befriended him on facebook. I have questions there that Elisa will ask Erik..or hopefully Andy. kind of a reading. Anyway, one day last week, I was home alone…smelled something really off in the kitchen..kept smelling it at one spot..no food had gone bad, I dismissed it until that nite as I got into bed, I remembered the blog saying Erik liked to put smells out..bad fish or smelly socks smell. I sent message to Elisa, and she told me Erik had been to see me, that he was trying to help Andy come thru to me. I was so very happy…I am trying to stay open, positive, and helpful to people..I think my intense grief actually blocks Andy from coming thru to me. anyway, will let you know if I hear from him. love you

      • I love you too Iola. Is there any way you can take up yoga? There is a very very gentle type, it is very soothing, meditative and it really helps release buried stuff, grief too. I cannot recommend it enough dear friend. It is true that intense grief does not help a free flowing to and fro from one side to the other. Andrew himself told me so in the first dream I had of him after he died.
        He told me in stern terms that he wouldn’t be talking to me unless i stopped concentrating and thinking about his suicide.
        So, my dear, you have to somehow find a way of not “going there”. We cannot get stuck in that place, it will not help us or them. It does not mean that one no longer feels the pain, rather it means that, pain notwithstanding, we still manage to move forward. Am I making sense? Please do try Yoga if you can, or at least walking, although as we move into winter that won’t be as easy.
        Please let me know how you get on. Love, Esmeralda

  2. Dear Esmeralda,
    Thinking of you as you countdown. Hope you have a good anniversary for Andrew. Lots of family and friends to keep you company?
    I just lost a friend at 28, not suicide, heart attack!
    There really is such a huge difference, even at that age its much easier to accept a heart attack than suicide.
    Its November 1 here and Summer is coming in. Our true summer months are Nov-March. You dread winter, I dread summer for the same reason.
    I am a bit worried by the thought that Loki is sitting on the drive still. I hope he’s covered up to stop the rust.
    Thinking of all the ones we have lost.
    a hug

    • Dear Dave, whenever I see that there is a message from you, it makes me smile. Thank you my friend for staying in touch, it matters.
      My daughter flew in from Rome so that we could be together at this difficult time.
      We will have a sort of open house on the 3rd, with friends coming and going all day.
      So sweet of you to think of Loki. We are going to cover him up well for winter. Andrew loved his bike.
      Thank you Dave, and you take care too. I am so sorry about your young friend.
      Big hug, Esmeralda

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