Three Days After Andrew’s Death

Three days after Andrew’s death, a year ago today, with my husband and daughter in charge, we went to the funeral home to choose a casket.

That done, we went to the Church where the funeral was going to be held, to finalize the details of the service.

Other than wanting the service to start with the sacred syllable Om being chanted three times, and to have two particular Bhajans (Hindu devotional songs) to be sung by my Amma friends, I gratefully let Florentina, Hugh and the Pastor take care of everything else

“How many people do you expect?” asked the Pastor.
I have no idea, I thought in my semi comatose state.
“A couple of hundred?” said my husband.
“I think there’ll be more,” said Nora, the Pastor.

I was tired, I was confused, I was incredulous, I didn’t really believe any of what was going on.
People, food and flowers kept coming, and my mother, my older brother, and my favorite cousin were arriving from Italy in the evening.

Bending down to pick up a card, I put my back out so badly, that I had to use crutches to get up from bed or from a sitting position.
I walked around literally doubled over in pain, every level of pain.
My body, my heart, my soul, my skin – I had been ripped apart and slammed together again, but I was hemorrhaging from everywhere.

And still, I stayed alive all through this. How is it possible?
No bullet could have injured me more, no dynamite could have ripped me apart more than my son’s death did.

But I am here.

A year has passed, and though Andrew is not, I am still here. And another year without Andrew lies ahead of me.


10 thoughts on “Three Days After Andrew’s Death

  1. Dear Esmeralda,

    I had been away & not following your blog for a while…I was home stirring a pot of food for dinner & suddenly stopped and knew that it was the day Andrew passed on. I ran to the computer & checked your blog and sure enough it was the day. I felt moved by the spirit to remember the day & I sent prayers to Andrew & your family.

    There is nothing I can do to ease your pain. However, I just wanted to let you know that I was moved to think about him & you & your family on that day. I hope it helps you to know that others care about you.


  2. Dear Esmeralda,
    I was Andrew’s fifth grade teacher at Dows Lane School. I too was thinking a lot about Andrew and your family this past week knowing it was one year later. I am so sorry for your loss. I was at Andrew’s funeral, but never got a chance to tell you how sorry I was for you and your your family.
    I still remember with fond memories the time Andrew asked me to take him to the Giants vs Jets game that one August after I had taught him. I will never forget when you told me that he insisted I take him to the game. Andrew was a great kid to teach. I enjoyed his great sense of humor and intelligence in class.
    I just wanted to write this note that I was thinking about Andrew and your family this past week. My prayers are with you and your family.

    Frank Viggiani

    • Dear Mr. Viggiani, I didn’t know you knew, and I didn’t know how to find you. I would have loved to have seen you at the funeral
      The year you were Andrew’s teacher, was one of the happiest school years of his life.
      Thank you for remembering him. Thank you for the happiness you helped him feel when he was your student.
      Thank you for taking him to the Giants’ game. He wouldn’t go with anyone else.
      I wish there were more games that he could go to.
      Thank you,
      Esmeralda – Andrew’s Mummy

  3. Ana wrote:
    “His grand arc is deep. And your Love is a beacon for us all, dear Esmeralda! We
    are all sweeping through here, together. Much love to you and to you all. Peace
    be with you all.”

    • Andrew’s arc is deep indeed. And Love has no boundaries, and no limitations. Thank you Ana Maria, Love and Peace to you too

  4. Sherry wrote:
    “I pray for your continued strength to get through this day and continue
    marching forward with your cause for suicide awareness… Hugs to you!”

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