Now What?

I don't know why, but I rather like this picture of my friend Nova and I, taken when she flew over for the "IPPAZZI concert in Andrew's memory"

I don't know why, but I rather like this picture of my friend Nova and I, taken when she flew over for the IPPAZZI concert in Andrew's memory

My 25th wedding anniversary has come and gone. So have the first anniversary of Andrew’s death and his funeral.

Today I feel the same sense of emptiness and loss that I felt a year ago.

Now what? I ask myself now, as I did then.

I remember how, gradually, my house started emptying out.
My brother and my cousin left the dat after the funeral.
My dear friend Maheshi left the day after them, and John the day after that.
Florentina’s friend Laura also left at the same time.
The last one to leave was my mother, two days before Thanksgiving.

In three weeks we had gone from not having a moment to ourselves, to being on our own. Even Florentina, wreathing in pain, had gone back to the city and back to work.

That was the beginning of one of the darkest periods of my life.

Mercifully, the medication my doctor prescribed, helped me pretty quickly. But even so, I kept falling into dark, scary, lonely abysses. And each time more medications were required to help me out.

Still, as lost and uncertain as I feel today, I know that I have come a long way from the bottom of the abyss… but… I can still see it… and it scares me.

Yes I’m afraid. Today is one of my, I’m afraid days.

And I know, I’ve long learned, that the climb away from the dark bottom, cannot be scaled by anyone but me.

But a helping, a loving hand, can and does go a long way.

Thank you for all the helping hands that have reached me, even through cyber space.

Love,

Esmeralda

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4 thoughts on “Now What?

  1. Aloha Friend! You’re early posting today. I am having the MOST unusual problem…I can’t sleep!!!!!!! Normally I have no problem with that. But I must try now or I will really regret it in a couple of hours…

    So true…along with “Why”? and “What could I have done”? is “Now what”?

    Honestly, right now I am so sick of thinking and hearing about suicide!

    • Better get some sleep then. I have had trouble sleeping for weeks now. I wake up at least 3 times every night.
      Take care dear friend xox

  2. Awake, a wake.
    “Now What?” seems to be a colloquial shortening of “What are we going to do now?” The question that I kept asking after Bruno’s death. Obviously life is much more than one child, yet the death of the child, puts the meaning of everything else in question. So you already have the answer to “Now What?” in making your child’s life and death mean something to all those who need to be kept alive.
    ahug from the smug
    Dave

    • You are not a smug, you are my Dave from NZ! Please keep writing to me, it helps.
      A BIG hug from… what shall I call myself? The complainer? 😉

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