I Was Fine When I Woke Up

I was fine when I woke up this morning.
Fine, that is, other than been plagued by this bug that’s been going back and forth in my family.

No, I was talking about the fact that I woke up okay.
I took something for this bug, then, as I do every morning, I lit a candle in front of a picture of Andrew that sits on the little Altar in my room.
I do this every morning. When the first candle goes out, I light another one, and then another one, until I go to bed, then, when the last candle burns out I don’t light another one until morning.

After lighting the first candle of the day, I turned around I saw Zoe, Andrew’s cat, (perennially parked on my bed), staring intently at another of Andrew’s pictures in my room.
It is a picture of Andrew when he was seventeen, dressed in his Tux for his Junior Prom.

When I first asked him, he told me that he wasn’t going to go.
But a couple of weeks later he was talking about going.

“You changed your mind? How come?” I asked him, intrigued.

“Well, you see…” he often started a sentence like this when… when he started like this. “This girl, Anastasia, gave me a chocolate Reese’s, so I asked her if she wanted to go to the Prom with me and she said yes.”

I was really pleased. My son was going to the Prom with a pretty girl, and he was looking forward to it.
I remember everything about that day. Andrew collecting the flower corsage he had ordered at the florist, putting it in the fridge when he brought it home. I remember him getting dressed, his father helping him with his bow tie. His father adored him. He was so proud of everything about him.

So many memories… so many sweet memories…

And now I’ve joined Zoe staring at Andrew’s picture on the wall. Zoe’s eyes are moist, and I am crying my eyes out.

This is the picture that I found Zoe staring at (and I've joined her)

This is the picture that I found Zoe staring at (and I've joined her)

Look at his picture for yourself, and then tell me if this is a boy who should be dead. DEAD BY HIS OWN HAND!
He should be here, excited about this being his last year of college. Looking forward to graduating in May. Looking forward to going to China.

He should be here, and Zoe and I shouldn’t be staring at his picture on the wall.

Oh Andrew, my sweet, sweet Andrew… I was fine when I woke up, and now I am so miserable. I feel such pain today.


6 thoughts on “I Was Fine When I Woke Up

  1. No he should be here with you. Both our beautiful young men should be here. I am feeling so lost without him. Spent a week feeling better..trying to stay positive, and yesterday felt myself falling back into the dark..I am so lost without my son. He was my reason to live…what is there now, but snatches of his life, playinmg out before my minds eye…if I wallpapered the house with his pictures, and shrouded myself in his clothes,(and I have) it still isnt enough. I want my Son back here, smiling at me, hugging me tight.
    Did we pick this to happen in this lifetime, before we were born? why? All my questions go unanswered…all my tears go unanswered. Where am I supposed to be right now? Does it matter if I dont show up?
    I feel your loss so keenly. Your hard days mirror my own. I dont know how to make it better..how to ease the grip their deaths, so senseless, have on our lives.
    For whatever reason, your Andrew, Erik Medhaus and my son’s lives are locked in my head as intertwined. There must be a reason..but I see no answers. how useless I am, huh?
    sending you a warm hug this morning…we both need one I suspect. You are deeply loved, and I thank God I found you.

    • Dear, dear, dear Iola, how I treasure having you. I do. Let’s keep going dearest friend, no matter what, let’s keep going until the time comes. I love you, Esmeralda

  2. Dearest Esmeralda,

    What a wonderful way to honor Andrew. I feel your pain. One foot in front of the other until one day we see our boys.

  3. Dear Esmeralda,

    There is nothing worse on this world that gives more pain than the loss of a beloved person. I cannot find any words to express my grief and condolence. I also lost the most important PERSON in my life, or I would even say my life, some months ago, and I know what it means to wake up in the morning with a pain that hurts you just breathing. I still cannot see HIS fotos, and I never speak about this. It hurts me so much that I am afraid even to think about HIM. I hope so much there is life afterwards, this is the only one thing that keeps me alive.


    • Dearest Cristina, I do feel your pain. I feel it clearly even tough cyberspace. Please tell me, us, more about your story. I think that sharing can help heal. We, because it is not just me, we are here for you dear sister. Please try to feel our love, support and big, big hugs.
      Esmeralda xoxox

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