And another Thanksgiving has come and gone.
Yesterday, Thanksgiving, wasn’t too bad. I only cried once, on the way to our friends.
Sitting in the back of the car I went from being okay, to feeling drenched in sadness and loss.
Big tears rolled quietly down my cheeks, then as though the tap had been turned off, they stopped as suddenly as they had started. My eyes dry again.
I’ve already cried this morning, wondering how this could have happened. My husband saying that he should have seen it, me saying that there wasn’t anything to see, not really.
What I do see, and it does undo me, is the picture of Andrew dead at St. Vincent’s hospital. That picture is engraved in my being.
I was presented with a fait-accompli beyond my ability to undo, period.
I had removed lyme ticks from Andrew’s body, treated a bad poison ivy rush, taken him to hospital for stitches, a broken toe and a broken ankle, the first while playing polo on a razor scooter, the second while playing soccer.
Whatever the situation or the injury, I had always been able to step in and make it alright.
How could I not do anything for this boy now, my son, lying lifeless on a hospital bed?
There was no longer anything I could do for this boy who had been born from my womb and his body remained dead regardless of my wailing. When we left, he didn’t look up.
I think I am just going to rest today.
Did I tell you that I have a nap-mate? No? Well I do, her name is Iola, she is one of my readers and we have become nap-mates. She naps in Illinois and I in New York, not necessarily at the same time, but it is nice to know that there are other people like me, out there, who need to take a nap from time to time.
And a nap is what I am going to take right now (I have been awake since 5 am)
ps. Tomorrow I am going on a retreat with Amma in Dearborn, Michigan. I will also see my beloved Dr. Weng and will treat myself to a few acupuncture sessions with her. I will be back late on December second.