Hello there –

Sorry I haven’t posted yet. Have been up to my ears in thoughts, emotions, tears, wanting to scream and sob my heart out.

What can I say, this fucking whatever it is, is a beast that does not let go.

Send me your good thoughts please.

Dave, Dave where are you? Why so silent? And all my other friends out there where are you?
I seem to be the one doing all the talking.



28 thoughts on “Hi

  1. Hi Esmeralda,
    I am here..been kind of low lately. the holidays are so very hard…have been trying to get mentally prepared for yet another one without him.
    the channeling erik site has been keeping me hopeful that he is safe and happy, but I miss him so very badly. Have had alot of trouble sleeping this past week..even naps are not a go.
    I think what we are going thru is more “waves” in this unending cycle of grief. It helps to see it as an ebb and flo, but doesnt lessen the pain at all. I think I need to find my purpose for the rest of my time on earth. Andy was my reason for living, so now i think I need to explore what purpose am I still here.
    I am going to do a session with a psychic on Wednesday, Andy’s birthday. I am hopeful he may have some answers for me, and some direction in my life. i have been getting contact with him here..a smell of brownies baking late Sat nite as I tossed and turned. A phone call late with only severe static on the line…and I heard my name whispered..which clenched my stomach…I was so startled by it. So hopefully, on Wed, I can reach Andy and find out more. I have so many questions for him..so many unresolved feelings on losing him.
    I dont make alot of sense writing on the blogs..I think my brain is scattered as my thoughts, so I dont post too often.
    I hope you will think of me giving you a big cyber hug…I send you one daily…we are so alike in our grief cycles. You make me feel less like a crazy, and more like a human. Thank you for embracing me and all the other survivors…we need each other. I only wish I was more of a comfort and help to everyone else. I feel like I take more than I give back.
    be gentle with yourself this week. I think you need some gentle time. my love to you, iola

    • Dearest Iola thank you for big cyber hug, I felt it, I really did!
      A phone call, wow! I have heard of it being an ADC, but it’s never happened to me. Was it scary, or was it comforting?
      I look forward to hearing how it goes on Wed.
      Thank you Iola for being there. And please I don’t want to hear this nonsense that you take more than you give ever again. Who says?
      But sweetheart, you MUST, you MUST find a reason for living apart from Andy. And maybe when you are strong enough, you can teach people that as important as our role as parents is, we must have all have a reason for living independently of our children. Lots of and lots of Love, Esmeralda
      ps. I think we take a nap this afternoon, what do you think? 😉

      • I am hoping Andrew has some answers and direction for me tomorrow. Yes, the smell of brownies was an enormous comfort..I felt him here. It made me smile to myself in the dark.
        I have been sending Andrew daily smiles, and asking him to come stay with me. I feel him more often..I think of a happy memory we both shared, then ask him to come. It is not easily explained, but I know when he is here with me.
        when you are very low, try a smile and ask your Andrew to come…you will know it..I promise.
        am excited and a bit scared of tomorrow…but I need some answers, and this is my best chance. say a prayer for us. Will let you know how it comes out….and yes, I will be taking a nap afterwards!!! Love you

      • Make sure that the session is recorded please. Do you a telephone that will allow you to have your hands free?
        Also, make sure you write down what it is you want to ask, you might get so excited or overwhelmed and forget and then get upset later.
        Please let me know how it goes. I am praying for you, for all of us. By the way, can you ask if he is knows my Andrew?
        Big, huge hug, Esmeralda

  2. Esmeralda,what can I say?
    I get the impression that being with people and being active in suicide prevention and wellness is how you best cope with grief. It makes Andrew the centre of your social existence so his presence will always be raw and always painful. I think its a good ‘choice’ because he is acting through the strength of your love to influence others.
    I ‘choose’ to think of Bruno a lot because I don’t have any faith in the afterlife, so I know that the only way I can keep connected to him is to think of him a lot. Some people say that that is ‘wallowing’ in grief. They may be the same people who look forward to joining their loved one in the afterlife. Putting that positive spin on death is wrong I think. Their child didnt choose death but was left with no choice.
    So I stay alive by thinking of my son to keep him alive for me. But there is nothing rational about grief its totally emotional. I am probably doing this because I have to. Love never dies.
    a big hug

    • Dave, you know you are going to have to buy me a drink when I see you Heaven, don’t you?
      Thank you for reaching out. It helped. Love, Esmeralda

      • He’ll have to buy us all drinks but mine will be virgin. 😉

        Don’t worry Dave we’ll look for you til we find you!

      • I LOVE THAT! You do have a wicked sense of humor. Dave, make mine either a diet cola or a virgin mary 😉

  3. Oh we do love you so. I think of you and yours often–so often. You are so brave. Often, your struggle, so painful for you, is, ironically, an encouragement for others. But this does not help. I DO believe in an afterlife. I MUST. Why not? This–life on this plane–is absolutely an incredible, and often, nonsensical “reality.” Nothing REALLY explains it. So why not an after-life?

    In any case we do, do, do love you–even those of us who have never met you.


    • Dear Emma, it is so nice to know that you are still there. I’ve missed you. If my public struggle does, in any way help others, than at least it has purpose.
      As you know I too believe in life after life after life. Love, Esmeralda

  4. Hahahahahahahahaha! Damn grief!

    Thanks for pissing me off Esmeralda! I comment so regularly… But I’m going to think this post was not “you” speaking but “grief” screaming.

    I knew you were going to emotionally crash as soon as you got back. Depression Grief = Hell.

    Well, these are visceral thoughts with minimal editing. Sorry they’re not
    “good” thoughts.

    Be gentle with yourself through the lows and be patient as you cycle through them to a more neutral or positive state. Do whatever you know helps you.

    I crashed on Thanksgiving Day. Dropped my son off at the grocery store and said I just can’t do this and I don’t feel like pretending; I am too depressed to do this and I spent the day at the beach. I found myself realizing that other people don’t really want to know what your feeling when your depressed. They’re more comfortable not knowing. If they haven’t experienced it, they really don’t understand! I got it that day why my son hid his depression. Yeah, I came home by dinner. Somehow my son
    got home from the store and dinner got prepared and I learned a lot that day…more than I’ve written. Hopefully, what I learned might prevent another holiday crash!

    Good thoughts…good thoughts….??? Learn from the crashes…don’t let them defeat you…be a gentle friend to yourself when you experience them…

    If this comment was just gibberish crap, remove it!

    • How did I piss you off? By the way just reading YOU saying “…Thanks for pissing me off Esmeralda…” put a smile on my face! Funny that isn’t it?
      Yes, I know you warned me when I was still in Michigan. I felt so good then. But dear Lord I am SO sick of this yoyoing, it does a number on every part of me.
      Anyway, after a long walk around the pond in the freezing cold with my friend Elizabeth yesterday, I felt better. She let me cry and then in her signature way, she made me laugh, and laugh and it got better after that. Dear Lord, thank you for my friends. I pray that we all have friends. Did the boys cook a decent turkey? 😉

      • Yes, the “men” were able to read the planned menu and follow the directions to create a simple but delicious meal, including a Turkey. Which proves we can all support one another. They stepped up to the plate and hit one out of the park. And it was much appreciated on my part…

        Happy to know my choice of words put a smile on you face 😀

      • I might try that myself at Christmas, thing is though, where am going to find myself a nice warm beach in the area?

  5. Esmeralda, Esmeralda, Esmeralda and other survivors – I wrap my arms around you. I don’t always know what to say – except I’m here and I hear your pain.

    Kukunaokala – I love the raw honesty in your response. It’s definitely not gibberish. Though you “crashed” it sounds as if you took care of yourself on Thanksgiving – you realized your own limits and the limits of others. You also gave your family a chance to do something for you – you’ve most likely been bearing the load for everyone. Thanks for sharing – I’m sorry for all the pain. I also want to thank you for sharing the link about the depression series – I think it’s one of the most informative pieces I’ve read – even with some of the challenging posters. I can see how it was very helpful to you and could be for others.

    This Sunday, at 7 pm, where ever you are, is the annual worldwide candle lighting ceremony to honor all children who have died. Here is the link to information about it. You can light your candle at home or find a group who has organized an event near you. I will light a candle for my niece Stephanie, Andrew, Bruno, Jono, Michael, Andy, and other children who have been mentioned on this blog, as well as any child who has unfortunately died.

    Blessings, hugs, and love



    • My Dear Debra, Debra, Debra!
      Guess what, I grabbed my Hula Hoop yesterday and gave a jolly good spin, I reckon that if keep it up, I should be able to keep the thing from falling pretty soon.
      What about you? Did you get yours?
      I didn’t know about the candle ceremony, thank you for reminding us and for including us in the light of your candle. Lots of Love, Esmeralda

      • Ahhhhh the hula hoop. I thought I sent you an email about it from my phone while I was on the road. I’m sorry, I probably got interrupted, saved it as a draft, and never hit send.

        YES, I did get my hula hoop. First, let me say, I’ll never be the elf princess. I have even more respect for her after my feeble attempts. I show everyone the little clips we have on her, and everyone falls in love and wants to be her – to move like her.

        I ordered one that is 3 pounds. I know, why you ask. Well I thought I could get a good work out with it. As soon as it came, I assemble the colorful, padded thing and began spinning it around my body. I knocked a bunch of stuff over – geez they take up a lot of room. The coffee table (which is pretty low) was cleared of everything. I really thought I was taller than I am. So after moving some furniture, and anything breakable, I once again spun the hoop around my body. I was pretty proud I could keep it up. It only went down twice – hitting a few more objects. I got the hang of it and I spun it for about 3 minutes. Soon I began to feel like I was being beat up. The 3 pounds of weight was taking a toll on the flesh and bones around my mid section. But I kept going. I ignored the pain and kept hooping – for 10 minutes. I read the directions after the fact, and they recommended you hoop for only 3 minutes at a time for the first week. That night we flew a red-eye to NJ and I was feeling quite bruised. Later in the day my sister met me at our mom’s house with her traditional hoopnotic hoop. I assembled it and spun it rather easily (though it was killing me because of the bruising from my 3 pound hoop). The dog was fascinated and attempted to catch it but got bonked on the head instead. Now she runs when she sees the hoop. I can keep it up on my midsection, but as for any tricks, or balancing it on my shoulder, or looking all sexy and erotically exotic doing it . . . it’s not going to happen. But I can dream. Instead, I think I look like an old lady with a hula hoop to my nieces and nephews. At least I’m entertaining. My sister and I had fantasies of performing for everyone on Thanksgiving. Hahaha – not a chance. First, there were 30 family members in the house, so we would have needed a warm day to be able to pull it off outdoors. And frankly, I don’t think I remember my sister ever spinning that thing the entire time we were there. Sis? She does have a nice hoop though.

        At this time, I can spin my 3 pounder for 20 minutes without feeling bruised. I think of it like exercise with a funky massage – hopefully I’m not developing scar tissue.

        I think I hoop because it’s fun, but also because I have fond memories of the connections I made at the fair. We all shared something special – hope. Hope that we are contributing to a consciousness that prevents more suicide tragedies.

        I think I’ll go do a little hooping before going to work. Lots of Love to you too. Debra

      • I didn’t even know they came in different weights. And how did you learn to keep spinning it? I need a bit more practice. But please do get someone to film you and will you up on the blog, I am sure it would cheer us all up. 😉

    • Thank you Debra for your perspective on what I shared about my thanksgiving day “crash”. It helps diminish feeling guilty and weak.

      I’m happy you found the depression mini-series posted on By Common Consent informative.

      Thanks also for sharing about the Candle Lighting ceremony on Sunday.

  6. YES I have picked up my hoop! (I had to take it apart to bring it back home!)lol It now has teeth marks in it from the dog! Ughh….As soon as I am done writing the last of my papers, I am going to hoop away! Next year we will all be pros! xoxoxo Barbara

    • That’s great! What color is it? I am not very good at it yet, but then I haven’t put my time into practicing, the thing is that you have to clear a space first, it’s not like you ca just pick it up and start hooping.
      When it gets warmer again, we should meet in a park and give our hoops a spin for their money, what do you think?
      By the way, I want to get my tummy into better shape, that’s one of the main reasons why I got my hoop.

      • What color hoops do you all have?

        Imagine me on the beach with one! What a sight that would be. I ought to learn just to blow my brother’s mind! LOL

        I have to admit it’s now very tempting and amusing. 😀

        Does Messa have one?

      • My hoop has 8 colors, one for each section you have to put together. I’m not sure how I keep it up – maybe I just have the moves!!! Hahaha 🙂 I figured if I mastered this heavy thing, I’d be able to better balance the hoopnotic hoop. I have tried Barbara’s and I can keep it up. But if I try anything fancy, like stick my arm down into the hoop next to my body – down it goes. I’m pretty good with a remote though.

        Here is the link to the hoop.

        Oh, and video of me doing it – dream on! 🙂 I guess if you REALLY needed a laugh one day I’d oblige – but I’d have to wear a mask so I can’t be identified. 🙂

  7. Lots of nice warm beaches in your neck of the woods. Just schedule your private jet and head south…Florida, Carribean. What’s that? No private jet. Ah, well then, you’ve got a wonderful imagination. Work with that little frozen pond nearby.

    Actually, my nice warm beach was a bit chilly that day. Just the way I preferred. Autumn-like so I could snuggle up and feel safe and comforted wrapped in a light cotton jacket. And it is just a short distance from the Koolau Mountains that it’s beautifully lined with some type of shadey pines. I spent much of the time under the healing canopy of God’s-created wooded temple. What was extra nice was very few others were out that day. So it was all mine.

    Some families planned to have their Thanksgiving there and I thought hey why not? The first Thanksgiving was outdoors or at least that’s how I envision it.

    • You really DO have a wicked sense of humour! I love it. Indeed I’ll see what I conjure up with my omagination, do you like that Om-agination?
      Who knows, maybe the private jet will show up, in which case I’ll come and give you a ride. Stay tuned, or packed… hahahah 🙂

      • Esmeralda, this has been a fun series of comments! I’ve enjoyed quite a few laughs! I hate to see them stop. I think your original post motivated so many to drop in and comment then the comments took on a life of their own. That’s so cool. Being honest and authentic about grief and depression, hula hoops, friends, making one another laugh, engaging our imagination…so GYWO! 😀

        I traveled for 6 weeks to the Middle East with 1 carry on and a backpack. Om-pressive, I know! So when your om-aginitive jet arrives, I’ll be ready. 😀

      • Om-pressive 🙂 🙂 🙂 you are something else you are! Okay, I’ll get REALLY busy Om-agining now. See ya 😉

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