My Son Killed Himself And I Go To Therapy

The picture of Andrew that was splashed all over the newspaper and the internet  when the news broke

The picture of Andrew that was splashed all over the newspaper and the internet when the news broke

I saw a therapist yesterday. She was highly recommended and those who recommended her were right, I liked her.

Quite frankly I’ve never seen the point of a therapist. Even now I am not entirely sure how it works, although… you know… there’s something to be said about being able to… talk.

Why are you going then, you may well ask, and I agree that it is a fair question to ask. But it is a long story and I don’t feel like explaining it right now, especially as I have Chapter seven of Bruno waiting for me, almost knocking on this screen hurrying me up.

Anyway, to stay on the subject of therapy for a moment, I do ask myself:

How will that make me feel better?

And

Will it make me feel better?

And guess what? I talk about Andrew. I talk about his transfer from Drexel to NYU. I go over everything he had to face when he arrived at stinky, rotten, NYU. I talk about how it all happened at the same time, his transfer, the sale of our house, the move from our big house to a smaller one (which I happen to love).

In the end I feel as though I am having the therapy for Andrew. I feel as though… well… if I see a glimmer of meaning… something that makes sense here and there… then Andrew doesn’t have to kill himself.

But Andrew has killed himself, already. I don’t want it to be so… but Andrew… Andrew has been dead for over a year.

And I am the one having therapy! It’s almost funny. Not!

Love

Esmeralda

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6 thoughts on “My Son Killed Himself And I Go To Therapy

  1. Hi E,
    I hope this helps you to find some peace. I want so much for all us survivor moms to find peace. Andrew wants that for you too. Sending you a hug, and hope a good nap is somewhere in your day today!

  2. I’m so happy for you. Over time (hopefully) as you bond with and begin to trust your therapist you will have someone you can express anything to, even the really ugly stuff you would never ever say to anyone else or let them know you are feeling and thinking and as that happens you will begin to discover things that lay hidden within you so you can either heal, learn to live with or manage so they don’t sink your battleship. Big big embrace!
    Prabuddh

  3. dear esmeralda,

    do you happen to know what precautions nyu has taken to prevent another tragic suicide at bobst? please accept my sincere apologies if this comment dredges up pain for you in any way.

    around midnight last friday night (2/25/11, the night before the violet ball), someone managed to climb the 10th floor plexiglass barrier and straddle it, apparently threatening to jump despite the screams of people in the lobby. i was among a dozen or more people who had wandered into the lobby and were quickly hustled outside while bobst security and the arriving police did their jobs. they seemed to be efficient and coordinated, and within 30 to 45 minutes everyone was allowed back inside.

    i don’t know whether it was a prankster or someone intent on suicide, but i was surprised that the plexiglass is still scaleable and that no inflatable mattress, trampoline or netting was available to break the fall and render it survivable.

    i was also surprised that i couldn’t find any coverage of this in nyu or local papers. twice i’ve posted comments to nyu local; both times my comment has been deleted: http://nyulocal.com/on-campus/2011/02/28/the-changing-culture-of-nyu-mental-health-services/

    as i left the library that night, one of the guards assured me that the person on the 10th floor was ok, which was great news. but i don’t think nyu has addressed bobst’s problem fully if the plexiglass is still climbable and nothing has been done to break the suicidal person’s fall, which in itself could be a deterrent.

    also, i hate to think that this near-tragedy was hushed up because of the following night’s violet ball, or for some other reason, but given its newsworthiness, i find it hard to stop suspecting it.

    i was wondering what your thoughts are on nyu’s efforts to make bobst safer, and if you think the fixes i’ve mentioned would be any help.

    best regards,

    b

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