Another Birthday



My Beautiful baby son Alexander when he was only a few weeks old. When he "died of SIDS" he was seven and half months old

My Beautiful baby son Alexander when he was only a few weeks old. When he died of SIDS he was seven and half months old

Andrew and I

Andrew and I

St. James', London - Little Andrew and I on "the roof garden of Dukes Hotel"

St. James', London - Little Andrew and I on the roof garden of Dukes Hotel

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have seen this day come and go so many times now.
There was a time I remember, when it seemed that time stood still. If only I was eighteen, I used to think when I wasn’t eighteen, I could certainly change the world, I would definitely have more freedom.

When I was a teenager I used to think that the age of thirty was such a long distance away, as to be almost irrelevant to me. I thought that at thirty a woman would be past “it”.

Well I needn’t have worried about not being eighteen yet, I reached and passed that milestone soon enough.
As for being thirty… you know, age does not bother me, but on the eve of this birthday, being thirty wouldn’t bother me at all actually, except for one thing… knowing what I know would lie ahead of me.

Can you imagine being a young girl full of hopes, dreams and certainty, and finding out that ahead of you lay losing one beloved child, then another, and serious financial distress in between?

Where would one find the courage, the will to go forward with such trials ahead? I am fairly certain that it would not be possible.

People tell me that I am strong. They tell me that not many would have survived the challenges that I have. Many would have been broken.

And finally I have to admit that, yes, I am strong.
I have learned that being strong does not mean not feeling pain, rather, it is the ability to feel it and to still find a way to continue living even when dying seems so appealing.

Yes, I know I am strong. When the time comes I will go to my grave in shreds, but strong.

I fully expect that come tomorrow, at whichever ungodly hour I awake, one way or another, I will get on with my day.

But now, tonight, as I prepare to go to bed, I can’t help but cry and cry and cry and shudder for all that I suffer.
I can’t help but writhe in pain when I think of Alexander and Andrew gone from sight.
I can’t help but feel anew the horror of seeing them dead.
My own flesh and blood, my children, dead.
And I feel at one with all the grieving people of Japan for there is a place within us all where one’s loss is everybody’s loss.

And so, I pray for Peace and Healing in our Hearts.
I pray for the Peace and Healing of our Planet. We have hurt it enough by hurting Mother Nature and by hurting each other. Let us stop now. Let us be the harbingers of a new dawn of Love and Peace.

Each one of us, one by one.

Om Lokah Samastah Sukino Bhavantu
May All The Beings In All The Worlds Be Peaceful And Happy




12 thoughts on “Another Birthday

  1. I love you. happy birthday!! When I saw Alexander’s picture I immediately felt he had grown on the other side as Robert has grown on this side and that he was waiting to receive Andrew.

    • Ohhhhh Thank you Prabudh – And they’ll be there waiting for me – I love you too darling and miss you. Esmeralda

  2. Happy Birthday Esmeralda. Alexander was a beautiful baby! You make beautiful children. You often express what I am feeling. Hugs and kisses to you! xoxox Barbara

    • You are SO sweet!!!!! Are you coming to sicily? The program starts May 22 to May 28. The information is on facebook look up Casa Om.
      And thank you, yes, Alexander was really, really beautiful. How are your children? Love, Esmeralda

  3. Happy Birthday. A very touching piece. I love what you said about strength and pain.

    And your children are beautiful children.
    I weep with you.

    Love, Hugs & Blessings


    • I was just thinking “I haven’t heard from Debra” and here you are, I would have been upset not hearing from you. Lots of love dearest friend. Esmeralda

    • Bella. We inspire each other. nd to tell you the truth, i wish I could have been with YOU yesterday. I am sure it’s more interesting there than here. ha ha

  4. Dear Esmeralda,
    Keep that faith, that positive mentality. You are strong and you are in such pain. And if you can learn to live with both daily that could get your feet moving to living and doing what it is you still are here for. For Andrew, for your baby, for your other son and daughter. Live for them in the way they’d want their Mommy to live. Hold onto pain and hope. It will fluctuate, one day bad, another a bit better. But all through it we, your friends are there, through it all. Lots of love to you.

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