I remember reading somewhere, that someone went to see the movie Titanic eighty times, in the hope perhaps, that the next time around the story would have had a happy ending.
I know that feeling. I know it. I know it.
I regularly “watch” Andrew’s last days hoping that something/someone had intervened and he wouldn’t have ended up dying on that cold, dreadful marble floor of that wretched Bobst Library.
But the only thing we can change is the present. The present is where our true power, our ONLY power, lies.
In vain do I go over what I know of Andrew’s last days. Whatever new tiny detail I discover, punches me in the stomach but does nothing to bring him back to this life.
I spent the entire afternoon yesterday with Andrew’s delightful, NYU Italian teacher. The one who kindly sent me the video of Andrew’s Italian finals.
I did indeed learn more, and while none of it can make the slightest bit of difference since Andrew is dead now, it reinforces what those of us who are activist in this field know:
Do not overlook anything
If you think that someone needs help, for God’s sake, do something while you can, better that than later having to say I wish I’d done something.
To be able to do that though we need to be aware of our fellow human beings. We need to be present enough to be able and willing to notice things and to take action.
We have to know that we CAN make a difference.
I can only cry my heart out now, as I do from time to time when I am overwhelmed anew by the enormity of suicide.
By the cruel helplessness of one’s own flesh and blood, taking his own life rather than coming to Mummy and Daddy like when he was a child. Going towards death instead.
It goes against everything one had lovingly hoped, in one quick jump.
But do you know something Andrew? I love you as I have always loved you, your physical death has done nothing to stem that love, it is intact and flowing.
You are always with me, always, always, always. And I ‘ll NEVER leave you my sweet child, never!
Your loving Mummy