I Don’t Know Why

"Andrew's Trains"

Andrew's Trains

I don’t know why, and would it make a difference if I did?

Anyway, this searing sorrow, the shock of the loss, the heartbreaking “it cannot be true” are not yet done with me.

Not sir, not by any stretch of the imagination.

Sometimes I dare think that I can have a normal life. The reason I think that is because I can smile, laugh at a joke, enjoy ice cream, even look at myself in the mirror and give myself the high-five for no longer looking like I am buried alive inside myself.

And then, I don’t know why, but just like that, I come unravelled. I am in danger of falling apart.

A volley of pain-like shots hits me square in the chest, and my heart feels like it’s burning.
So much for time being the best medicine, or is it laughter?
Either way neither time nor laughter has made this go away.

Did I not have experience on my side, I would die of fright thinking that this godawful hell is all I have to live for.

Oh Andrew, Andrew – Is there no rescue for us?

3 thoughts on “I Don’t Know Why

  1. Esmeralda, I think I told you about one of my sons giving a speech in his college speech class about suicide last year. Tomorrow another son will be giving a speech in his college class about what it’s like being a survivor. Today I told a group of boys in church to stop pretending they’re shooting guns because I knew someone who died from a gun and it disturbs me…along with some other reasons.

    Our experience is ever with us and shapes us.

    I met a person this week who gave me the run around when I tried to get some information I needed for my Master’s paper. I wanted her to know who I was. Despite the high standing of her position and training, I new she was ignorant. Just like I was ignorant before my son died. Just like my son’s friends & family members were ignorant & just like my son was ignorant. He could have come out directly and said to someone, “I can’t keep living like this. I need help. I’m seriously thinking of killing myself.” Those who felt like something was wrong, could have said…”Michael, are you thinking of suicide?” Now I know what to do. If he had called me , I would have kept him on the phone and got another phone to get some emergency help over to him. Mental health professionals are uncomfortable dealing with clients who struggle with thoughts of suicide.

    Keep up the good work you are doing to encourage wellness and raise awareness that death by suicide is preventable for many. It pains me to see how awareness is being raised in many creative and meaningful ways because it’s too late for my son but it may save the life of another mother’s son.

    Also I am seeing a lot more compassion and support for survivors in my community. This is also a good thing.

    Be well my friend! Thanks for your post today. Aloha…

  2. Always so reassuring to hear from you! We missed you at the Fair. I know you would have opened your arms as wide as mine to those who needed us and found us that day. I am still aching for the very young, new mother, whose own mother mother shot herself 3 weeks ago. I am glad that we were able to offer her comfort, a safe place to speak and cry, Dr. Weng’s loving hands and my therapist to talk to and arrange for further help. I was glad we had a created a space for everyone who needed to, to speak up and speak out and to say that they were tired of feeling shame, they were tired of hiding the truth of their loss.
    So, as you say, dear friend, on we go.
    Congratulations on all the good news, love, Esmeralda

    • One of my students lost a family member to suicide recently. It’s all so close…was it always this close to me but I was unaware or am I here at this time for a purpose?

      I went to a 6 week long survivor support group. The facilitator asked if I would con’t to come bc members from the family may attend.

      Being a survivor can build us or destroy us. Or perhaps it has done both and we rise pheonix-like from the ashes…Stay strong through the ebb and flow of your grief.

      So awesome how you and others with you were able to support that young woman in need. Thanks for sharing that…

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