November 7, 2011

Andrew’s funeral was two years ago today.

I am not feeling well. I have not been feeling well for days and days and days.

I feel as though this has only just happened, but with the accumulated grief of the last two years.

I feel depressed. I struggle to start the day. But I do my best. What choice do I have anyway?
I can choose to go down, or I can choose to stand as tall as I can and to hold on as hard as I can.
I hold on, I have to. Have to, have to, have to.
I don’t talk of my family’s struggles … but to see others suffer … Oh Lord

Please take care everyone




9 thoughts on “November 7, 2011

  1. To hold on in desperate times is valiant and heroic…so keep holding on!

    I wish I could write more but my ability to concentrate gets impaired at times.

    It’s only 4 more days until Nov 11, 2008 the day that my son texted “I love you” to his two older brothers and wrote his last Facebook entry, “I am at peace,” and then ended his life and started the painful grief our family now struggles to cope with…His death and our grief–that’s what overtakes in my mind 24/7 from about Oct 14 until after Thanksgiving Day. It just does and it may always be so while I live.

    So I too will hold on…

    • And I hold you in my arms too dearest friend. I know you are there, I feel you as I hope you feel me. We shall overcome, you and I know that we will.
      Love, Esmeralda –
      P.S. 11 is supposed to be a mystical number, a master number – 11/11/2011 is supposed to be a significant date.

  2. Teddy died at 11am from the 11th floor, in eleventh grade. I am not fond of the number 11. His birthday is 11-15. Weirdly, our car registration expires 11-11.

  3. I am sending a hug and love and prayers to the cosmos for you, Esmeralda. You have held so strong for so long, this may be your psyche and body’s way of saying slow down. You do not always have to be so strong. You don’t always have to hold it all together. If you continue not to feel well, you need the support and counsel of your doctor and some rest. I am thinking of you. Prayers for Andrew on this two year anniversary, that he may rest too and see his beloved mother get better. The way to better is not always to hold”stronger.” Just my two cents.

  4. I stumbled on your site the other day and have been summoning the courage to write something to you ever since. I wanted to write something comforting as you pass through these dark days of remembering. I can’t think of anything comforting, though, just the simple truth that I am in awe of you and the love and strength that flow through your writing. These anniversaries are hard. These holidays are hard.

    I lost my mom to suicide a year and a half ago. And every day feels like a marathon, a test of endurance in the face of epic frailty.

    That you are able to feel your son’s spirit gives me a flicker of hope that I will learn to feel my mom’s. I talk to her a lot. I cannot hear her answer.

    I wish you moments of unexpected laughter, abundant love, gentle healing, and hope. Thank you for having the courage to write about your journey.

    • Jaimie, Thank you! That people find comfort in my writing is a gift for which I am grateful.
      Remember that in stillness only, we can hear. When you are calmer you will hear and feel too.
      Remember also that as motherhood goes beyond biology, so does “daughterhood” – How many out there have lost a daughter? SO many, reach out to them, as those of us who have lost a child reach out to other’s children.
      And yes I do laugh, sometimes uncontrollably (and then I cry, and that is good too)
      Take care sweetheart, and please do write, and if you feel up to it, why don’t you write about your story for the blog?
      Big hug

  5. Esmerelda, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Andrew. I too lost a son to suicide. His name was Brian and we were very close. I’ve struggled to make sense of this senseless tragedy for just over three years now.

    I have good days and I have bad days. There are still days I don’t want to leave my bed and days that I cry buckets for a son I ache to see again. Although the burden of my grief is heavy, it gets a bit lighter as time marches on.

    My heart to yours.

    • Thank you for your message. I have not been on the blog for a while as you might have guessed. Life does go on whether we like it or not. I do the best I can not to be overcome by sorrow. I feel it of course, at times more than others, as does the rest of the family. But if we are not to destroy all our lives, especially those of our surviving children who already have a big burden to carry, we need to do what we can to try and make sense of it all until we meet again, which I KNOW WE WILL. Hugs, Esmeralda

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