Trying To Figure Out Christmas

I am reblogging this post written as the first Christmas without Andrew approached.  Unlike then, I do have a Christmas Tree.  It is beautiful ft. tall Frazer, but other than a string of clear lights, noting else is hanging from its branches.  Zoe the cat, Andrew’s cat, (who has become SO fat in his absence… he would upset with us for feeding her on demand… but he’s not here and…) seems to like the tree’s water more than her own.  I can’t believe that this will be the fourth Christmas without out Tigger.

Now I want to cry !

Unlike my friend and fellow survivor Iola, who’s already bought and decorated a beautiful Christmas tree, Christmas just isn’t coming to me.

Sometimes I see Andrew’s face in my mind’s eyes. I hear his voice in my mind’s ears.

I play with his long, strong, lustrous hair. He lets me make lots of little plaits, & his hair is so thick that it stays like that.

And in the car, if one of his siblings beat him to the front seat, he puts his head on my lap in the back:

“Mummy, can I be tired on you?” he asks me.

“Yes my love,” I used to say. “You be tired on me.”

He would close his eyes and I would stroke his face with my fingers, play with his hair…

Into this treasure chest of images, a ghastly one has sneaked in from somewhere; Andrew lying dead on a hospital bed behind the drawn curtains of a little, non descript cubicle.

His hair off his face hanging behind him… off the bed…. his skin cold… a tube coming out of mouth, a white brace collar around his neck…

“No, it’s better you don’t take his hand from under the sheet…” the doctors says stopping my hand midway.

And soon it will be Christmas, for a lot of people…

Come and be tired on me Andrew.

Of all the Christmas presents that I would like, that is the one I would cherish the most.

6 thoughts on “Trying To Figure Out Christmas

  1. Your treasure chest of images is beautiful.

    Andrew really did have great hair. And a handsome smile. Among all the other great things. Make those the most present in your treasures.

    Sending you some Christmas love and spirit. And hugs.

  2. I’ll light candles for all the children – blessings.

    The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting

    Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting, this Sunday at 7 p.m., December 11, 2011, p.m.. The Compassionate friends Worldwide Candle Lighting is held around the globe to honor and remember children of any age who have died.

  3. I don’t know why but I cannot see, hear or feel any memories about my son as you can about yours. That really bothers me! So to me, that you can, is marvelous…Keep all those wonderful images in your beautiful treasure chest and find another container for the sad images and put it somewhere hard to get to…
    Year four is somewhat better for me. Michael’s picture is off my wall where it’s been for 3 years and on my desk. I don’t know why I need it there. And the image of his death occurs less frequently and less vividly.
    Take care…thanks for writing.

  4. Esmeralda,
    Well we just let Xmas come and go. It’s always a countdown for us which we are still in as Bruno died on January 24. So we relive his last Xmas every year and talk about him a lot.
    We had a tree, a live Pohutukawa about 8 feet tall in a pot. They flower brilliant red flowers as Xmas time all around the shore line. Put a few modest decorations on it so as not to spoil its beauty.
    Ive just transplanted it to a spot in our front yard near where our two youngest children’s placentas are buried, and hope it will do well in our hot, muggy, and wet summer.
    Grandchildren came to Xmas dinner and friends visited around New Year. Life is an eternal cycle which we fall off when our time comes.
    Happy New Year to you.
    Dave xxoo

    • Happy New Year to you too Dave. Thank you for thinking of me. Life is moving along. I take the rough with the smooth and there is always plenty of both.
      Take care, Esmeralda

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