Andrew Of My Dreams

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With Andrew at "Dukes Hotel", London, Roof Top Garden

With Andrew at Dukes, London, Roof Top Garden

Now that he’s gone, he’s every age.

In my dreams, when he comes, sometimes he is my young child, sometimes he is my adolescent son or the young, strong man who left.

Last night he was the young Andrew to whom I had to give the sad news that Topolino, our beloved ginger cat, had died.   He was very upset at the news.  He was disconsolate, and all I could do was hold him tight in my arms and let him cry his grief.  Sob after painful sob shook his chest while he held on to me and I to him. His tear-stained face felt soft and innocent resting on mine. 

“Just being in your arms…” he seemed to say.

“Just holding you in my arms…” was all I could say.

Thank you Andrew for letting me hold you once again. I still feel the warmth of your arms wrapped tight around my neck.

My Darling, my love for you has not changed.

Come again please.

Mamma

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8 thoughts on “Andrew Of My Dreams

  1. That’s a beautiful dream. I still have not had a dream of my son since he was killed almost 17 months ago. My husband has had a few sweet dreams, but he awakes in tears as he realizes that the dream is over and life continues to be our worst nightmare.

    • Hello Graham’s Mother! Thank you for stopping by. I am so, so sorry about your loss. Please tell us what happened, please share your story with us. And know that you are safe here, and that we hold you and your husband in our hearts.
      Big, big hug
      Esmeralda

  2. Thanks for asking. At this point I can’t share details since we have filed a wrongful death lawsuit. I have no idea what will happen with that, but I do know that I owe it to Graham to hold this person accountable for their actions.
    I can say that his death was completely unexpected and avoidable and that it has been a horrendous trauma for us. I sometimes think of the space shuttle Challenger when I think of Graham…so brilliant and full of promise, just about to launch…and then an instantaneous explosion and everything was gone. His life, his future, our lives, our future, and everything he might have contributed to the world. I know you understand.

      • Hello again. You know, if you go back to November 2009 of this blog, you’ll be able to read about my journey through my grief. You’ll see the progress, the subtle changes… It is early days for you, plus you have the lawsuit weighing on your shoulders, but hard as it is to imagine at the moment, without you even realizing it, things will shift… pauses between deeb immersion in sorrow and fractions of a second of thinking about something else will lengthen, you’ll see. One thing that is important to remember, always, is that no matter what, things will get better. I miss my son, there are still moment when I cannot believe what happened and I relieve the whole nightmare all over again, but it doesn’t last, I can get myself out of it unless I actually want to wallow in it because that pain is still another way of feeling connected to Andrew. You know? Even if you can’t go into any of the details, you can still share with us what you remember of the moments when you were given the news, about seeing your son when he died (did you see him?), things like that. And writing about it will be painful and healing at the same time. Anyway, do what feels right to you and who knows who it might help. Big hug, Esmeralda

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